I'll run the soundboard

You know what I hate?

2008-06-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is in honor of the long-hair....
You know what I hate? People who use the word quagmire. It's ridiculous. This morning I heard one Massachusetts voter say he didn't like the "military quagmire overseas."
Gay.

Zombie Strippers -- take your whole family to see it!

2008-04-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Because I know everyone is curious, I went to see Zombie Strippers at the Gateway yesterday and it rocked my socks.

Robert Englund, better known as Freddie Krueger, and Jenna Jameson were in it as well as some unknowns who did a decent job. The movie was absolutely ridiculous -- and when I say ridiculous I MEAN RIDICULOUS -- and riddled with stereotypes and boobies, but with a title like Zombie Strippers what else can you expect?

The cheese factor was high, but movies like Zombie Strippers can't afford not to make fun of themselves. Robert Englund is awesome as the sleazy strip club owner and really the only likable character, besides the extremely stereotypical janitor, Paco. There is plenty of gore (though a few scenes were pretty badly done), but the makeup was awesome. Jenna Jameson looked absolutely hideous for most of the movie and she played her part well. There's an incredibly cheesy fight scene between two zombie strippers and the zombies stripping are pretty funny too.

My only complaints were the unneeded military and the political statements the movie tried to make by continually bashing GW. The movie starts out not so far into the future where GW is taking his fourth term in office with Arnold as VP and Jenna Bush as Supreme Court Justice. It annoyed me that a film so clearly out to be cheesy and over the top had to bash the pres. Why try to make a statement? Just show us zombies and strippers damnit!

But all in all, its a great movie to watch, be entertained and not be tempted to think, at all. I'd try to catch it soon to. From what I've heard, it a limited engagement.

Take that gas!

2008-04-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to work from home to save a little gas. I had to get gas yesterday and as I was bending over and taking it, I decided I need to find a few ways to use my car less. I was also hoping that if I wait for people to call me back from home, I won't get as bored.

What the hell was I thinking? It's not even 11:30 and I'm bored out of my gourd. I started working at 8 and was very industrious. I returned a ton of emails, made 8 calls, left 8 messages, did some rewriting and checked web sites.

Without the annoyance of coworkers I get my stuff done faster and have more time to be bored.

Shit.

I think I need a job that keeps my constantly moving and thinking. I've managed to rule out lion taming and the counter-terrorist unit (I just don't think I'm qualified). Any suggestions?

Pretty Pictures

2008-03-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to get off my lazy ass and post some photos from my vaca.
So here they are.....

Paris.....

More Paris....

The conservatory garden at the Bellagio...

Part of the strip at night....

And Zion National Park.
Neato, huh?

Brain Stew, the return

2008-03-17T10:07:00.001-07:00

Here's some more intelligence from our favorite burnout:

"There are some Beatles songs I can listen to over and over again. 'I am the Walrus.' You ever heard that one?"

On coughing... "It’s almost like you damaged your….. something."

"I hate elections man. I hate politicians too. I hate insurance salesmen, car salesmen, politicians. They’re all slimy, soulless politicians."

"When its black its white and when its white its black."

"It’s not good to eat out all the time. It’s why America is the fattest country in the whole world and everyone is in debt."

That's all for today, but as the burnout says, see you on the flip.
And yes, it's just flip, no flip side like a normal human being.

Breaking News

2008-03-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided to add a new element to my blog. When I'm not feeling too lazy I'll post what I like to call "Brain Stew - Ramblings from our favorite burnout."
Enjoy.

"People always talk about politics but they’re not the ones who decide who the president is."

"I like to be honest, you know? If someone asks me if I like something, I’m going to say no or I’ll say yes if I like it. I’m not in the business of lying to myself about how I feel about something."

"I think the definition of happiness is, no matter how much money you have, is no debt and have a job you really like no matter what it is -- basket weaving or whatever it is to have happiness… "

"I think a lot of people watch prime time television and it’s such a farce of unreality and people spend hours and weeks entrenched in those shows and they think they’re learning something. They’re not actually going out there and doing it."

Above the influence? Really? Really??

2008-02-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm getting sick of these Above the Influence commercials that say how bad smoking weed is. If you're going to point out the evils of pot, pick out something convincing.

Airing a commercial with a talking dog, even though he's chastizing you about being high, is NOT at all convincing. In fact it makes you want to smoke until dogs start talking.

I know I'm behind the times

2008-02-17T18:04:00.000-08:00

I finally watched Brokeback Mountain. It's been on my Blockbuster Que for a while and finally reached the top. It was a good movie, well acted, beautifly shot, ect, ect.

I couldn't stop laughing through the movie and it's not because I'm being immature.

When it came out, my grandpa took his special lady friend to see it, not knowing what it was. Throughout the movie I couldn't stop thinking about the reactions of my grandpa and how brutally awkaward things must have been.

I don't want to be mean to my grandpa, but it's damn funny.

Am I allowed to bash women?

2008-02-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

Because I'm going to.

This story and subsequent book really annoys me. It makes me understand the enormous divide between men and women, and domestic abuse. It reinforces the idea that women have to change men.

Why?? Only women, as a whole,(pardon the pun) get in to a relationship thinking, 'If I could get him to stop doing this and wearing that, things would be perfect.'

Why not get into a relationship accepting the other person as they are? Men accept each other with their flaws and all. They may rip each other constantly over them, but they get over it and have a beer.

I do appreciate that one of these women advises her sisters not to take things so personally and that a man's every move does not reflect his love of his mate, but this whole subject pisses me off. Grrrr.

I like to remember a truly wise man's motto: "I am what I am."

Lets all raise a can of spinach to Popeye. Here, here.

I'm a real adult now

2008-02-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've officially grown up. After months of procrastinating, I'm finally going to the eye doctor.

I don't want to brag, but I have vision insurance now and even though I've had it for a few months, I've been putting off making an appointment because I'm lazy. Nevermind that I'm wearing my last pair of contacts. Nevermind that I've been wearing this pair of month contacts for four months.... Being lazy is much more important.

So I made this appointment on Tuesday for 5 p.m. Friday. I thought I was being responsible for scheduling it then so it wouldn't conflict with any work responsibilities, I mean who schedules a meeting for 5 p.m. on Friday?

Someone does.

So I'm missing a meeting to get my eyes checked. Sounds like an adult excuse to me.

When do I get my adult badge? And is there some sort of secret handshake I have to learn?

When movies go bad

2008-01-25T13:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but after I saw the razzies call Lindsay Lohan's I Know Who Killed Me a disaster, I had to see it. So I put it on my cue, and unsurprisingly it arrived much sooner than Maximum Overdrive.

I movie starts out with an incredibly unsexy dance by Lindsay in a strip club and then goes to her writing emo stories and wearing librarian glasses and low-cut shirts. It only gets better after that.

And by better I mean absolutely, horrifically terrible. So terrible when she woke up and cried when she realized she'd lost both her arm and leg I laughed. Hard.

The movie tried to be scary, but it wasn't. It didn't make any sense and it was once of the worse movies I've ever seen... although Punch Drunk Love and White Girls still take the top prizes.

So, again, good job razzies.

He must be stopped

2008-01-22T15:46:00.000-08:00

I bitch about Scientology a lot, I know, but Tom Cruise has seriously gone off the deep end.
In this video of him talking about Scientology, he shows what a complete crackhead he is.

He says things such as:

"We can rehabilitate criminals... We can unite cultures."
"When I drive by an accident it's not like other people driving by an accident, because I know I can help."
"Being a scientologist people turn to you..."
"So its our responsibility to educate, create the new reality."

And he keeps laughing like a maniac.

Wow, I'm now convinced to join Scientology. Sign me up. Give me my keds and get me a glass of koolaide.

That sucks

2008-01-22T15:29:00.000-08:00

I just found out that Heath Ledger died. Police aren't sure if it was a suicide or an accidental overdose, but it really sucks.

He was a pretty good actor and I'm really looking forward to seeing him as the Joker when the next Batman movie comes out this summer. He looks badass.

Am I a bad person because my first reaction was worry over whether or not Dark Knight has been finished?

Lemmings

2007-12-19T13:39:00.000-08:00

I wanted to see No Country for Old Men when I saw the preview. But after I heard from actual people that it was good, like a lemming, I scurried off to the movie.

I'm not at all saying I didn't like it. I liked it a lot. But when I left the movie, I felt like my soul had been gang raped. Repeatedly. Again, I'm not saying it wasn't entertaining or even a good movie, but it was depressing as hell. I liked the gory parts, but like the typical movie-going lemmings **Spoiler coming, folks** I was a little disappointed that most of the likable characters(especially the guy who started his career with the Goonies) died.

I watched another depressing movie the next day called Zombie Honeymoon. I thought a friend had seen it and liked it (he hasn't watched it yet) and the box said it was funny.

They lied. It was sad. It did not make me laugh as advertised, in fact, it made me cry.

What the hell is with all the depressing movies??? Is Hollywood trying to get rid of middle America by depressing them and making everyone off themselves?

I'm on to you, Hollywood...

What kind of facial are we talking about here?

2007-12-06T05:54:00.000-08:00

I just found out (thanks to Opie and Anthony) that my Cetaphil face wash is used as fake spunk on porno sets.

Does this mean I have to change my daily facial cleanser?

Also, for those of you not lucky enough to witness the hijinks's of my favorite Columbus TV news personality this week, you've missed: Johnny DiLoretto risking his life by taking a mixture of pop rocks and soda. OMG!
On Wednesday he was paired with the hacky radio hosts on the Brew. I think they had a douche-off.

I'm thinking a movie deal, or a book at least.

TV News does it again

2007-12-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

This morning the Dispatch did something good. They poked fun at the local TV news stations for blowing today's "snow storm" out of proportion. It was well done, they talked about how to do it right and how to do it wrong.

I haven't seen other stations respond, but 10TV clearly took offense to the story. They did their own little segment on the Dispatch's story -- said they were right on and even talked to people on the street about what they thought about the coverage.

And then the dumb broad on the news had to say, "Just setting the story straight."

How about you just say, we can't take a joke or we don't like constructive criticism?

Make room in the trophy case

2007-11-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

I hate to sound like Jerry Seinfeld but what’s up with all these series? The Dispatch has gone ape shit lately with series (is someone trying to catch up for contest season??).

It started out with the ABC's of Betrayal, which would have been a good series had they focused more on reporting news rather than making it.

The baby series that made me want to retch followed. I’ll admit it—I don’t like babies and I didn’t read the series at all. But is a seven-day series on a baby who’s been in the hospital forever with whogivesashit disease really necessary?

Now Fighting Fakes is gracing the pages and to be honest I thought it was an AP series at first. Is this series really worth it to foot the bill for a reporter’s trip to Thailand ?

Nope. I really tried to read it with the fact that it must have been an expensive piece to write so it may be worth it in my mind. But I completely lost interest by the fourth paragraph.

Is the Dispatch really trying to drum up pity for clothing companies? REALLY? I know my heart goes out to the multi-billion dollar companies who outsource and then charge ridiculous amounts of money for their clothes. I weep for them.

Couldn’t the money and manpower that went into this series be better spent elsewhere, on a more local subject? What about all the crime in Columbus ? What about the overcrowding in jails? I’m sure there are several better subjects the Dispatch could make news on, rather than burrowing a tunnel up the ass of A&F.

This series almost makes me long for the time of “You Have Cancer.”

Survival of the fittest missed one

2007-11-27T13:30:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive. Not really because I lead a dangerous and exciting life, but more because I am a complete dolt.

I've been completing adults tasks lately, insurance and banking stuff, so I decided I'd continue being responsible and get an outlet that hasn't worked for a few months fixed.

When I got home from work today, I was greeted by an embarrassing note. I called the repairman to my apartment so he could tell me the light switch across the room controls the outlet and it had been switched off.

I is smart.

Today on my fav morning show....

2007-11-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

While doing a spot at the State House this morning for the tree lighting, Johnny DiLoretto said something to the effect of, “You think I’m just a silly guy who runs around and does things, but I am interviewing House Speaker Jon Husted.”

Good point, JD.

However, you may want to think about the questions you asked Husted before going all Woodward and Bernstein on our asses.

The hard-hitting questions JD threw at our House Speaker were: How do you celebrate the holidays? Is it hard to get together with family to celebrate during the holidays?

Wow, way to throw those curve balls, JD. Get ready for your Pulitzer.

In other Good Day Columbus news, Kent Justice (who may have the best name ever and could totally be a superhero when he's not on TV) interviewed Jennifer Garner while JD made a gingerbread house yesterday.

I couldn't think of more appropriate assignments.

Freedom! And Puffs Plus

2007-11-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

I've been fighting my own personal cold war for going on six days now. It started off on Sunday when those red commie bastards snuck into my body and slowly started to sabotage me with a sore throat and too much coughing.

Today I've nearly combated the sore throat, but now they're tormenting me with more coughing, sinus pain and mucus. I'll teach them though. I've aimed nuclear weapons at them and I'm sending in spies.

If that doesn't work I don't know what I'll do, but I will tear this wall down.

I really need a history lesson.

The perfect villain

2007-11-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

Watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade recently, I came to a realization... Nazis really are the perfect villains. They're brutal, hold crazy beliefs and are completely unlikeable (I mean think about the whole Jew thing).

Sure they're often good looking people -- you really can't go wrong with blond hair and blue
eyes -- but they're intolerant of pretty much everyone, stupid and completely evil. They also have ridiculous accents and clothes. And the way they goosestep is just plain silly.

It's enjoyable to see Indiana Jones kick so much Nazi ass and no matter how much abuse they take you never feel sorry for them, because you can't really relate to people who oppressed so many while following a short, angry man with a booger of a moustache.

I have no words...

2007-11-05T16:59:00.001-08:00

I just heard on the TV that Johnny DeLoretto will be getting a tattoo on air tomorrow morning.

He never ceases to amaze me.

2007-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have seen the greatest minds of our generation fall – or mostly just my own brain succumbing to TV cancer.

I had to deal with the Diary of Anne Frank recently and my only thoughts were, “Oh, I learned about that in high school.”

Only when I actually started working on it did I realize it wasn't the story of the deaf, blind and mute girl, it was the tale of a Jewish girl who had to hide from the Nazis in a crowded attic.

Mostly I blame Kevin Smith for this monumental mistake. When I saw Clerks 2 and Randall confused Helen Keller and Anne Frank, I thought it was silly.

Only after I made the same mistake did I realize my brain has something severely wrong with it which most likely is a result of watching too many movies.

I watched and read the Diary of Anne Frank in school. Can one movie really undo 12 years of public school education?

I guess so.

Open bar, dude!

2007-10-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

When I was little getting together with my cousin from Indiana was the most tolerable family reunions. My sister was the oldest, my cousin a year younger and I was two years behind him. We got along well.

We would listen to Great White on a tape recorder in my grandpa’s basement as we tried to make stink bombs with our chemistry sets. We also set up plays to lure my uncle from Idaho into the basement so we could tie him up. My cousin wasn’t much a boy scout though, because our uncle would always free himself as we were plundering his suitcase and we would pay for our treachery through wet willies until our uncle flew back to Idaho.

We always had to sit together at the “kids table” during these visits but it wasn’t bad because we would throw things, lament on the terrible food and hollow out dinner rolls to clean our plates.

A decade later, it’s nice to know some things never change.

At my step-cousin’s wedding last weekend my sister and her husband, cousin and his wife, and G. Jonah and I got sat at the kid’s table with two sixth-graders.

We listened to their sixth-grade woes and gave advice: “You broke up with your girlfriend because she punched you in the spine and now she wants to get back together? Tell her talk to the fist cause the face is pissed,” or “Your best friend likes the boy you used to like? Stab her.”

Then we stole a bottle of Champaign from an empty table, talked about things our parents will never know (can we say a trip to Texas five years ago?), and decided to take advantage of the open bar by seeing how many liquor glasses we could collect on our table.

I must say that kind of stability is comforting.

Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones!

2007-10-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

I love the Indiana Jones trilogy and I'm looking forward to the new one (as long as they don't screw it up), but Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom takes the cake.

Sure I love the Nazis, Sean Connery and Elsa in the other movies, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the dinner sequence with Snake Surprise, roasted cockroach, eyeball soup and chilled monkey brain ("Ahhh, desert!").

I also enjoy Willie and Short Round for comic relief and I love the part where the voodoo man rips the heart out with his bare hands, I used to try that as a child.

Can't wait for the early bird

2007-10-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have long dreaded middle age, but old age doesn't seem so bad. I often see old people swearing at service workers, driving slow and getting cheap stuff, but today I saw what could be the best thing about getting old.

Only senior citizens can ride their bike to Kroger at 2 p.m. on a Monday dressed in a polo shirt and pajama pants to buy a big jug of cheap vodka and a tub of cole slaw.

Sometimes I love old people.

Another reason to never visit SF

2007-10-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

San Francisco just got a little worse. Not only do they provide the most money for the homeless, but now they are looking into a facility where medical workers supervise drug addicts as they shoot up.

I’ve been called a ‘cold-hearted conservative,’ but this plan is ludicrous. Why should medical personnel supervise illegal activity? Not only does the plan condone drug use, but it pretty much says, "The drug problem can never be solved. Let’s give up. And while we’re at it, why don’t we take away the fear of overdose that may keep some from doing drugs? Brilliant!"

The city already hosts a clean needle program which seems like a complete waste of tax-payer money, and advocates of the plan say the facility will decrease the amount of overdoses.

But I think fear has already done that. According to the AP’s story, “the number of deaths linked to overdoses has declined from a high of about 160 in 1995 to 40 in 2004…”

There are no such facilities in the U.S., but one in Vancouver reports that there have been 800 overdoses so far, but no deaths.

Good for them for preventing deaths, but if someone needs drugs bad enough to go to one of these places, they’re not going to go there every time they need to shoot up. These facilities are only perpetuating the problem.The money spent on this facility could be much better spent getting drugs off the street.

These bleeding-heart liberals who so value choice need to realize these people chose to do drugs and also chose to deal with the risks associated.

Todd for prez

2007-10-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy but I’d like to see what Bill Todd could do as Columbus Mayor. I know it’s not going to happen, but I honestly believe it would be an amusing four years.

If elected Todd says he will take over Columbus City Schools and fight crime. I’d like to see that, especially if he wears a cape while doing so.

When I was in high school I was constantly amused by the antics of Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbinder. While in office this man threw a coffee mug at his secretary, got in a shouting match with another politician and suggested that the city move all the deaf people to the neighborhoods around the airport because they can’t hear the planes landing and taking off.

It may have been an unproductive term, but it was amusing. Toledo constantly made the national news for all the stupid moves Carty made.

And just a FYI, a few years later Toledo again voted Carty into office. The city may suck, but they know the value of having an amusing mayor.

Another rant

2007-10-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Some lawyer is suing apple for $1 million because she bought the i-phone when it came out for an unreasonable price and three months later they discounted the phone by $200.

I’m hoping that when she goes to court (if that even happens) the judge says, “Boo hoo. Apple will pay this whiner a quarter so she can call someone who gives a shit.”

I know America is the land of frivolous law suits, but this is getting ridiculous. Did this whiny dolt miss the memo that all other consumers have that says products get cheaper the longer they have been out?

I know $200 is a big price reduction in a couple months time, but if this lady is sooo strapped for money perhaps she should have waited to get an i-phone until apple had the technical and financial bugs worked out.

$1 million is an awfully steep price tag to put on all the suffering this poor stingy soul has likely been through. If this chintzy broad gets any money, I hope it’s only the $200 she would have saved had she not been a greedy sheep who has to have the latest trend now. And hopefully the $200 she gets will be paid towards the $500 she owes in fees to an already over-taxed court system.

Walk along the razor's edge...

2007-09-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Push It To the Limit at work— the song made popular by Scarface. It plays when Al Pachino is accumulating great wealth from dealing drugs and buying a tiger for his backyard. You know, the sort of things any Bill Gates does when he makes his first million.

The music accompanies a kickass, typical 80’s montage. I strongly believe it inspired the Montage song in Team America.

So I was picturing my own montage. I’m working hard, getting things done, kicking ass and taking names. And then I realized how boring a montage of someone sitting in front of a computer and talking on the phone would be.

Life is cruel.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

2007-09-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

For a while this week my life rhymed.

I had a sty in my eye.

Sure it rhymes, but it wasn’t the sweet life portrayed in Dr. Seuss books. It was a bitch. Who was dead in a ditch.

Sorry I can’t help myself. I love to rhyme.

My boyfriend in college got sties in his eyes sometimes. He would put a hot cloth on his eye while his roommates and I watched the Discovery channel, did drugs or went on a gambling spree in Vegas. His eye would get red and swollen and made him look like he let my dinner get cold.

Sty time was fun for me, but not for him.

Perhaps it was karma that put the big, painful zit-looking sty on the edge of my eyelid this week, but the pain only lasted for a day.

So I must not be that bad of a person…. That or I’ve grown very adept at tempting karma.

Bring it on bitch.

The juice is back

2007-09-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

As if I needed any reasons to love Slate more, here comes the best story on that lovable scamp OJ: If I Robbed Him: That Son-Of-A-Bitch Is Lucky To Be Alive After He Stole My Damn Souvenirs.

The entire situation is ridiculous, but Slate effortlessly chugs through the mind of the Juice--

On the killings of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson: "That killing Nicole and that Goldman dude back in 1994, who were really asking for it, not that I'm saying I did it, but if I did do it then it wasn't that big a deal, she had it coming, that no-good blood-sucking c—"

On the armed robbery being recorded: "Way I see it, the tape is a good news/bad news thing. It's good news because I don't have to go all fuzzy in this book like I did in If I Did It about what happened when my explosive rage crossed the line into criminality.
Uh, if it crossed into criminality. Which it didn't."

Keep up the good work Slate. My random laughing is really starting to creep out my coworkers.

Shameless Plug

2007-09-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

This is for all you punkasses out there who haven't read G. Jonah's column on International Talk Like A Pirate Day. http://www.snponline.com/articles/2007/09/13/hilliard_northwest_news/opinion/allbishopc_20070912_0250pm_2.txt

I can appreciate the complete dorkiness exhibited in this little column, but I cannot condone that smirk....

Johnny "Birdman" DiLoretto

2007-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Within 5 minutes of Good Day Columbus kicking off this morning, Johnny DiLoretto was being mocked by a big green bird. Not a parrot, a big green bird because JD is not cool enough to be mocked by a parrot.

Every time JD talked the bird started mumbling along with him and when JD laughed the bird used the most annoying guffaw. JD even went to far as to threaten the bird.

OK, maybe the bird wasn't mocking JD, but they shared a similar stage presence. Perhaps the Columbus News Center should consider booting JD for the bird.

Dumpster babies

2007-09-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

This story in Slate is both inspiring and brilliant. http://www.slate.com/id/2173458/nav/tap1/

Now I have an excuse other than my own selfishness for never having kids-- being green.

Perhaps one day I will run for political office with the platform of solving all the world's problems by decreasing the population.... It would kind of work and leave less people for me to be annoyed with.

Pure genuis.

Hug it out bitch

2007-09-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

My life is sad, but I'm watching season 3 of the Office and wondering how I went the entire summer without it.

I know some charlatans think the British version is better, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the mass awkwardness caused by Michael Scott and the complete assery of Dwight.

And who can forget the creepiness of Creed? "I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing."

When it goes off the air I'm thinking mass suicide or possibly the coming of the apocalypse.

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

The G-Shot should have more to do with G-Force

2007-08-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have recently been scarred by a Dispatch article on vaginal surgeries. I understand the need to remove tumors and that sort of thing, but this story talks about surgeries such as, “procedures to tighten the vaginal opening, decrease labia size and shoot collagen into the G-spot, an area of the vaginal wall thought to be highly sensitive.”

WTF?

Who came up with this stuff? Wouldn’t a doctor’s or researcher’s time be better spent finding a cure for cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease or Alzheimer’s?

I began wondering who would even get this type of surgery, but I already know the answer—dumb holes who didn’t get hugged enough by their daddies who pay $500,000 for bigger boobs, lips and a tighter butt.

I guess wherever stupid people are willing to spend their money, greedy doctors will find a way to get it.

And they say our society has lost its finesse*.

It has.

*Five points to anyone who can tell me where that quote comes from.

Grow a pair, Holbrook

2007-08-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

I’m disappointed that former OSU president Holbrook apologized and took back her comments about OSU. I guess it was a trite thing to say at a job interview unless she was trying to show that she can handle hooligans on campus.

I don’t think a big deal should be made out of her comments, though, because most of the behavior she talked about happens. Maybe she exaggerated a little bit on the whole “culture of rioting” thing, but riots do happen at OSU and I think that’s unacceptable.

Sure, it was funny the first time it happened after I moved here, but sometimes I’m a little ashamed to admit I live in Columbus because Buckeye fans here are obnoxious, violent and annoying and people know it.

I understand cheering for/supporting a team, but the fans around Columbus take it over the edge. I mean come on people, it’s only football. And to be frank it's getting a little annoying.

Your Questions Answered

2007-08-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

Due to an overwhelming response from readers, fans and stalkers, I decided to answer some of the many questions I receive from adoring fans each day. So go wild.

Q: Where did your blogs name come from?
A: A line from Lenny in a Simpson's episode. I really couldn't think of anything else.

Q: What's with your zombie obsession?
A: It's not an obsession, I'm preparing for the day the zombies come. And I'm hoping you all learn valuable lessons for that day from me, such as- Make yourself a duct tape suit to wear when the zombies come. It's really hard to bite through it.

Q: Why do you keep posting on this retarded blog? Don't you realize no one cares?
A: Yes.

Q: Why do you watch such crappy/weird movies?
A: I didn't think I ever admitted to the internets that I have watched White Girls, but I am ashamed and there is no excuse for that type of behavior.

Q: Why are you so paranoid (referencing zombies, the internet plot against the earth, ect)?
A: I'm not paranoid. You're dumb.

On bathrooms and denial

2007-08-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Is there something about being a politician that makes you do stupid stuff and get caught?

I can’t help but believe my theory may have proof from a certain Idaho politician. In another bonehead move from a politician, an Idaho senator was arrested for trying to proposition an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. I won’t go into the obvious stupidity of that move, but I want to talk about his apology.

Craig said, “I’m not gay. I love my wife, I love my family and I love Idaho.”

I can only assume that if you ARE gay you can’t love your wife, family or Idaho, but no one can really blame the gays for the latter.

I’ve never understood why our government can’t just keep it in their pants during their terms. I’d think they were too busy to think about screwing an intern in the oval office or text messaging high school pages, but apparently this county pretty much runs itself.

I’d really like to have someone in office who thinks policy, economics and the general state of the U.S. is more interesting that getting spanked by a hooker wearing a bunny costume at a Hotel 8.

Best or Worst Dialogue Ever?

2007-08-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd witnessed the worst dialogue ever in Flash Gordon (for example: Eagleman- "That must be a good planet you got!" Flash. FG- "It's not bad.")

Somehow JWray's suggested movie Sleepaway Camp seems worse. Not only did the mother creep me out in 15 seconds flat, but child molesters in the first 10 minutes had priceless lines.

Young cook chewing on a toothpick in a perverse manner- "Mmmm, look at all that fresh young chicken.... Where I come from we call them baldies. Makes your mouth water doesn't it?"
Old cook- "They're too young to even understand what's on your mind."
YC- "That's the good thing my buddy. There ain't no such thing as too young. You're just too old."
OC- "Huh, huh, huh."

And it gets even better.

Kudos

2007-08-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks go out to all those who joined in the shenanigans last night at Patrick Jay's. I'm so proud of those who decided to try something new. Way to go, champs! Thanks also go out to the Simpson's quote machine. I now have a whole new appreciation for Johnny DeLoretto.

Surprisingly, waking up this morning wasn't as bad as I expected. I hope the morning didn't treat anyone else too bad either. If it did, walk it off.

Swarms of Locust are Coming to Your Area Soon!

2007-08-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

There's so much to miss, but things are going well so far.

As for my new town, it looks like Thomas Jefferson's Monticello. It's seriously, distractingly beautiful and the people have been very nice so far.

I guess it's hard to not be nice when you get to go home to your $750,000 home, smoke your fine cigar rolled with parchment paper from the constitution, drink aged whiskey, lay your head on your swan-feather pillow, put on your baby-seal skin sleep mask and go to sleep.

Damn.

In other news, Good Day Columbus is interviewing Gabe Spiegel (unfortunately Johnny DeLoretto is not asking the questions though). Catty comments about his hair aside, I'd be remiss if I didn't day WTF?

News anchors are interviewing news anchors now? I'm a little afraid to look outside. I may see the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

God help us all.

Surfin' USA

2007-08-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

From a much deserved vacation at the lake:
1 day swimming and walking on the beach, 6 boat rides, 3 mudslides, 1 trip to Put-in-Bay and no sunburns.

After a smooth ride out to Put-in-Bay in my parents boat, though, winds whipped up the biggest waves I have ever seen on Lake Erie. It felt dangerous just getting on the boat and after some Columbus boaters called us crazy, we took off into 7-8 foot waves.

Some other boats were trying to leave too-- we watched a small cigarette boat go air born and I thought it was going to capsize. After the first wave came over our boat, my mom smartened up and said, "We're turning around."

My mom and I ended up taking the Jet Express back to the shore while my dad stayed with the boat. Some of the passengers screamed as the big fairy was tossed around. I felt like I was in that Walburg movie with the big storm.

I love vacations.

Bundle of Joy??

2007-08-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

A lead story on MSNBC boasts the fact that it takes about $290,000 to raise a kid to age 17. As if I needed more reasons to never want to have a child.

I am surprised there is overpopulation. I just can't figure out what would motivate anyone to have a child. First you carrry the little moocher around for nine months as the demon child reeks havoc on your body. Then you wake up every time it cries for a painful feeding and change nasty diapers. You lose your life style and any chance of fun.

As the kid grows up you have to worry about it- Am I raising it right? Am I hugging it enough? Will it turn into a serial killer? Is it getting a good education? Is it doing drugs and having sex? Will it turn out to be a thoughtful, well-rounded person?

And you have to spend $290,000 on it, not even counting college, which you should help out with if you want your kid to have a good life.

Is there really a reason TO have a child? I think not.

Off to the Rodeo

2007-08-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day, which is strangely the exact same day I started two years ago. Some are sad, others are waiting till tomorrow for the ticker-tape parade (what am I from 1937 or something?). I have mixed emotions so far.

These are the battles:
Making me happy- The thought of a four-day weekend up at the lake with a trip to Put-In-Bay, envelopes and notebooks and pens galore, no more hair-pulling beats.

Making me sad- Never Say Goodbye was on the radio this morning, giving my stuff away or just tossing it all together, no JD on TV today, no more awesome coworkers and no more stripper Christmas parties.

Odd....

2007-08-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

It's strange. I never realized art really does imitate life.
Who knew?

JD Watch

2007-08-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

This morning on Good Day Columbus Johnny Deloretto ate doggy ice cream with a dog biscuit.

I can't really make fun of him, I tried an all-natural peanut butter dog treat while interviewing someone once.

Is there nothing this man won't do to humiliate himself? Someone deserves a raise.

Where have all the robots gone?

2007-08-10T10:22:00.001-07:00

I don't know if anyone else has realized this, but it's 2007. Really, it is. I wouldn't lie about this.

So seeing as how we're in such an advanced age, where the hell are all the robots? I don't like to take my image of the future from lame movies like AI, but think about Bladerunner or the taxi-driving robots in Total Recall? We really should have robots by now.

An article in Slate says at the government's latest science fair, there are lizard robots that can climb glass and robots that can do operations in the field, but I think we should be much further along than that.

Sure we have the robots that are putting millions of workers out of jobs doing tasks that monkeys could do, but where are the cool robots? Where are the robot nannies and robot cars? I know I'd like a robot to clean my apartment. And who wouldn't love to have their order taken correctly at TBell at 2:30 a.m.?

So join me in telling scientists to get a move on it. I want a robot bartender making me a long island within five years.

Tiny Tidbits, Large Breasts

2007-08-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching Little People, Big World. If anyone still lives in the 1900's and has never even heard of this, it's a reality show about two midget parents who have three normal-sized kids and one midget kid. How cruel fate is. Basically it's your typical, boring reality show made fun by midgets. Is there anything they can't do?

Last night they were trying to get their midget son to stop being shy, so the dad took him to a midget convention. The dad put tons of pressure on the poor kid by saying, "This is where I met your mom and this is where you'll probably meet your wife."

Enter little midget teen with enormous boobs. Seriously. Porn star boobs. I can't quite figure out the dynamics of how she moves without falling forward. I imagine that when she rolls over on her chest at night she wakes up with her lil' midget feet in the air.

So the little midget son worked his lil' man magic and was popular with the midget chicks, including Tits Magee. Oh happy day.

In other oddities, I woke up this morning to a commercial saying, "One day I'll laugh without having to cross my legs."

At first I wondered what silly geese came up with this commercial, but then I began thinking about it. What if you did have to cross your legs every time you laughed so you don't pee a little? What happens when you're walking and you see a child trip and bite the curb? It isn't easy walking and crossing your legs at the same time.

Breaking News!

2007-08-09T10:53:00.001-07:00

Paris Hilton says Nicole Richie will be a great mom.

What a relief. I was worried.

Goodbye and thanks for all the fish

2007-08-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

G. Jonah's parents say you'll always miss your first real job out of college. I'll reserve judgement for a few months, but I'm pretty sure they're right.

I must admit I nearly got teary-eyed when I informed the Man about my future plans. I won't miss the uncertain feelings that have been floating around as of late, but I imagine I'll never again feel comfortable enough at a workplace to shoot off my big mouth as much as I do now (honestly, where else can you sing the My Buddy commercial at work?).

When I moved to Columbus two years ago, I was a little nervous. The only people I knew in town where two friends of my parents and my ex's BFF. This damn cubicle has given me experience, one ball (I hope to grow the other eventually), a hot-air balloon ride, great friends, G. Jonah and a palate for Central Ohio.

I'd be lying if I said I won't miss smartass emails, pulling pranks on coworkers, Cat Tales discussions, the shrew's hats, paycheck cries and the nest. But I can't have a burial plot in the back next to Teter so I guess it's time to move on.

It's been fun. Best of luck to all the other slaves.

Albuquerque

2007-08-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

This lucky girl went to the Weird Al concert at the state fair last night...

I guess I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, although I must admit (as pointed out by G. Jonah) I've never seen so many men with pony tails in one place. I forgot that state fairs are pretty much white trash central and last night was no exception. Mullets, tye-dyed clowns on stilts and B.O. were plentiful, but they didn't ruin the concert.

I got dragged to the concert by G. Jonah, but it was actually entertaining. Weird Al has a great show, with lots of costume changes, short songs (with the exception of that Albuquerque monstrosity) and funny videos. It's a great show for the short attention spanned.

I was in awe when Weird Al showed up on the stage in a fat suit for Fat. After about a two-minute costume change, he lumbered out looking like something out of those God-awful Eddie Murphy movies. He even had the multiple chins, which I think is amazing considering the short time and extreme temperatures.

All in all it was an entertaining experience and I was truly able to appreciate air conditioning when it was through.

Call me Bubblegirl

2007-08-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the Irish festival and it was fun, but I have one thing to say- windmill.

Seems strange. Windmills aren't Irish. I'm pretty sure they're Netherlandish.

My point is I wanted to do the windmill and knock out everyone in my personal space. There were too many people. I honestly felt like I was in Japan again, on a train at rush hour.

I'm beginning to sound like A. Wilfred Brimley. Time to go eat oatmeal.

I'm a 10-year-old Boy

2007-08-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

I keep on seeing commercials for this Walking with Dinosaurs thing at the Schott and I get so excited every time I see it. I'm a little embarrassed that I think it's so cool. It's just big, life-sized robot dinosaurs.

But even that description makes me want to buy tickets to every show.

I really would cough up the $40 to go, but the thought of all those children make my sphincter tighten. That arena is going to be crawling with dirty, loud, misbehaving kids and their soulless parents (Yes, soulless. Didn't you know that's what children do? They swallow your soul!). I can't imagine sitting in a crowded arena with sticky, stinky children and screaming out of their little koolaid-stained mouths.

Ick. I just threw up a little.

If only the show was based on the dino robots eating children. I would pay $500 to go.

But instead it's an education, family experience. Booooo. I want adult-only seating with booze and hookers.

They're after me pot'o gold!

2007-08-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today's Good Day Columbus marked my favorite so far.

While doing a segment on the Irish Festival a Leprechaun appeared in the background and Johnny D decided to chase it. Other critics said "They've lost what little credibility they ever had," but I wondered how that segment was born. I have two possible scenarios in my mind:

1.) Upper level management: What do you think of when you think of the Irish?
Yes man: Beer?
Upper LM: No, no.... Leprechauns! That's it!
Yes Man: Yes, perfect. We'll have Johnny interview Leprechauns!
Upper LM: No, no. That's not Johnny. We'll have him harass and annoy one!
Yes Man: Isn't that the same thing?

-Or-

2.) Upper LM: Johnny, you're reporting on the Dublin Irish festival Thursday.
JD: Ooooo, I hope I see a Leprechaun!
Upper LM: Johnny, there's not such thing as Leprechauns.
JD: Yes there are! And if I can't have one I'm not going! *proceeds to fall on floor and kick and pound in temper tantrum*

Who knows, what really happened, but that segment made my day.

These Boots are Made for Walking and I Really Don't Have a Choice

2007-07-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

Most of my Sunday was spent in Fort Seneca (snuggled in the corn fields between Fremont and Tiffin) standing beside my overheated car. My drive from Port Clinton was cut short when my car overheated.

I've never had a problem like that before, G. Jonah figured it was a need for coolant, so we braved the tough streets of Fort Seneca and waited 50 minutes for my parents to rescue us. The streets really weren't so mean, just deserted. In the town of about 50 homes, 5 people stopped by to ask if we needed help.

When I left my home town of Wauseon (population 7,000) I swore off small towns forever. But Fort Seneca made me remember that there is something positive to be said for small towns-- People are friendly and willing to lend you tools or give you a ride to the closest gas station about 15 minutes away.

My parents arrived before a sunburn set in and found my vehicular problems were much more expensive than coolant. The verdict is out, but early predictions say I blew a head gasket. I don't even know how you blow a head gasket but it sounds expensive.

I guess things could be worse. One good Samaritan (whose yard my car is still probably in) said it was a good thing I stopped when I did. I didn't blow the engine or warp the head (whatever that it) so I don't need a new car.

So this week I'm going to be a hippie and walk everywhere and lecture everyone on the evils of depending on foreign oil and global warming.

But as soon as I get my car back I'm driving everywhere, staring with a trip to my mailbox.

RIP

2007-07-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

Condolenses go out to all victims of black Thursday and the resulting fallout of Sewage Friday. If comfort can be offered it will most likely come in the form of gunfire out at the farm next weekend amidst booze and peanutbutter ice cream.

In other sad news, my Happy Sunshine Foundation funds remain at $0. Please send me donations. I can think of no better way to wash away this week's drudgery than firing a cannon off the cliffs of my sunburned tropical island. You all can come and enjoy the show, but I warn you the boat has sprung a leak and the dolphins aren't always dependable for a ride.

Some things never die, like Mick Jagger

2007-07-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen it yet, but I've been reading all these negative reviews for The Simpsons movie. Everyone is saying this movie is coming out 10 years too late or The Simpsons has lost its panache. What do I say to that? Worst. Review. Ever.

Sure everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I'll take this opportunity to show mine.

This movie was going to come sooner or later. Why not now, during a summer movie season that's sucking (with the exceptions of Knocked Up and Super Bad)? Sure I sometimes get annoyed with some of the new shows that are a bit too liberal for me, but the Simpsons is still entertaining and engaging.

As pointed out in one review, Homer is getting a bit more mean and stupid, but I think its funny. The show is evolving with time. Mr. Burns is getting more evil, Smithers more gay and Ralphie more screen time. Sure it will never be as good as it was in the 90's, but that's no reason to dog the show or not see the movie.

Anyway, how you can not see a movie with Spider Pig in it? It's almost a sin.

2007-07-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

I see, hear and experience things that make me wonder about humanity every day.

It amazes me what people will tell a total stranger with a trusting and kind manner. What amazes me even more is the way people treat each other whether they be strangers, acquaintances, friends or even family. It depresses me that I'm often on the receiving end of the shitty treatment. I'm not exactly the world's toilet, but I am beginning to ponder the price of a porcelain hat.

Some days I want to pull a Henry David Thoreau and go live in the wilderness, but that would make me a hippie and we can't have that. Other days I consider developing agoraphobia, but I'd get bored.

So here's my plan: Please send money to the Happy Sunshine Foundation. With the proceeds I'll buy an island in the Caribbean or South Pacific and become the mighty dictator. I'd promise all the donors a place on my island, but you may annoy or piss me off, so I'll fore go any empty promises.

If you stay on my good side, though, welcome. You'll be the one I send on the beer and food run. But don't forget my DVDs or you are so gone.

Hi, I'm Chris Hensen from Dateline

2007-07-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Sure, that catch line sends any pedophile into sweaty shakes and most law-abiding citizens into rapt attention. Dateline's To Catch a Predator series has been on for a couple years, striking fear into the hearts of pervs and serving as the ultimate Punked for the rest of society.

The legality of the show has been questioned constantly, but the underlying theme remains: Don't solicit sex from kiddies on the internet*. It's not harmless. It's real and you will get caught.

A couple months ago the show caught a Texas assistant county prosecutor having sexually explicit conversations with a decoy posing as a 13-year-old boy. He didn't show up to the home Dateline set up so police and Dateline cameras went to his home to make an arrest. Realizing he had been caught, the guy shot himself.

I assume this man was guilty. A reaction like that warrants that kind of speculation. But now his sister is suing Dateline for $105 million, claiming that Dateline took over the role of police and didn't protect her brother.

"She said her brother was unable to defend himself when police, NBC employees and associates swarmed his yard, creating a relationship between NBC and her brother similar to the relationship a prison guard has with an inmate," the AP reported.

What a load of crap. This man was a public servant and he realized he'd been caught. This life-ruining crime was too much for this man to fess up to and he took the easiest way out.

Simple as that. Hopefully the jury will see this as another pointless lawsuit. After all $105 million will not bring this lady's brother back and it won't make him less of a perv.

* A note to readers: Soliciting sex from kiddies everywhere is wrong, not just on the internets.

Hippies In Sppppaaaccccce

2007-07-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

A top story for MSNBC today is a space walk in which astronauts littered. Surprisingly, the liberal media took a light-hearted approach and isn't harping on the whole littering thing. But it got me thinking, is littering bad in space?

There's more space for the litter to go and I liken it to littering in Kansas-- no one really cares, because no one's there.

Following that train of thought gets me to my first get-rich-quick scheme: a toxic landfill on the moon. Why not? Nothing else is there.

Who would care?

Greenpeace, that's who.

I'm just guessing on the group. Maybe the Sierra Club would create a space branch, but I'm pretty sure a landfill on the moon would piss some hippie off. Perhaps I could launch moon rocks at their inflatable space craft when they come protest.

Could anything be more fun than seeing a hippie suffocate in space Total Recall style?

What can I say? I'm a sociopath

2007-07-20T10:03:00.001-07:00

I strongly considered adding a paper bag to my wardrobe today, but after cutting out eye holes I realized a brown-paper bag isn't really business casual.

Apologies go out to all who have been victims of the following behavior: violation of personal space, repetition of the same story or phrase, harassment (physical, sexual and verbal) and my personal favorite narcissism. Special apologies go out to G. Jonah, the jukebox at Bob's and the Grove City White Castle.

You'd think a glass of water down the front of the pants would have a much more humbling effect.

I don't regret the comments on the facial hair of Lord Thomas the Severe, though. He had a nicely trimmed handle-bar moustache that made me think of Sam Elliot. You'd think White Castle would require a hair net for that thing.

So let's all smother our embarrassment with a theoretical pillow and start anew. Unless I said or did something nice. Remember that because it so rarely comes around.

Ahhh nature

2007-07-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

I went to the lake this weekend and an offshore wind allowed me to partake of nature.

The wind pushed the water out, exposing sandbars and enabling the more adventurous to venture a mile off shore and only be in waist deep water. I found clams, crabs and tried to save some small fish from beaching themselves.

But a very unfortunate view of nature gave my father and I the kind of bonding experience no one should go through.

My father ran into some friends on the beach and stopped to introduce me. Upon the second introduction I received an eye full of junk.... twig and berries, pork and beans, ect.

The 40-something man was wearing short-shorts, no underwear and crossing his legs so his one-eye willy kept winking at me.

My father proceeded to talk to the group for 15 minutes as the man crossed and uncrossed his legs a la Fatal Instinct and I awkwardly looked away.

As soon as we parted company with Sharon Stone I had to ask my father if he saw the package. How could you not?

"I was hoping you didn't notice," he said.

When my mom found out she relayed a similar story about my grandfather. As if the day couldn't get worse.

*Shudder and Gag*

Crocs are a crock... of poo

2007-07-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'm no fashionista and I go out of my way not to wear heals, but I just can't understand this whole Crocs thing.

Sure I've heard they're super comfortable and really clean, but any shoe that boasts being dishwasher safe is not for me.

I've also heard they're made from materials that aren't bad for the earth. Hopefully that means when everyone realizes how ugly they are and send them to the dump, they'll disintegrate into the earth quickly.

Slate wrote a very telling article about why they're popular, but the author and I still came to the same conclusion-- they're ugly as sin.

So let's destroy all Crocs around the world. If you need tips, check out ihatecrocs.com. It's absolutely brilliant.

Oh happy day!

2007-07-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think fate is too good to me. I just found out that George A. Romero (iconic zombie film-maker, for those of you who don't know) is working on a new film called the Diary of the Dead.

Please breathe regularly and remain seated. I know my brain almost exploded in happiness when I found out.

From what I understand so far is the movie starts out with some college kids in the woods making a film on mummies when all hell breaks loose and the zombies come. From there I think it's the basic zombie survival movie, although one kid keeps filming throughout the whole incident.

So who knows if it will have some of the feel of Blair Witch or the Descent, but $10 says it's going to kick serious ass.

Poop

2007-07-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

I know I'm extremely immature, but I can't help laugh at the headline on MSN: "Keeping Up With the Wangs."

On life in the shoes of G. Jonah Jameson

2007-07-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

It sucks. I don't think there are any other words to succinctly describe it unless you'd like me to be more eloquent and curse.

I was the last one to leave yesterday and the first here today. Someone shoot me.

I now understand why the hard-nose, cigar-smoking editor had such an attitude against Spiderman. "Who is Spider-Man? He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! What's he doing on MY front page?"

When movies attack!

2007-07-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago a man got a bomb-collar put around his neck and he was forced to rob a bank. But even after he did the job, the collar exploded and he died.

Normally I would think, movie gone wrong. Someone watched Saw too many times and decided to make money off tormenting people rather than just tormenting them.

Now the FBI has unveiled that the guy with the exploding neck was in on the whole thing.

Does this mean it turns into a heist film? Perhaps Employee of the Month (the good one, not the one with Jessica frickin' Simpson).

All I know is that exploding-neck guy was definitely on the wrong side of this plot. But I guess when you wake up and you're a 46-year-old pizza delivery man maybe robbing a bank with a bomb around your neck doesn't seem like such a lousy idea.

Is it hot on this planet or is it just me?

2007-07-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Every morning I'm bombarded with stories on global warming on NPR -- ways people are trying to stop it, ways it's affecting nomads in Mongolia, ways it's making the lives of polar bears suck. I see stories on the internets constantly and Global Warming poster boy Al Gore is everywhere spouting his sanctimonious save the world crap.

I'd like to save the earth or keep it healthy, but my annoyance with this Global Warming "awareness" attack reached new heights with Live Earth.

I didn't tune into any of the concerts. I actually went out of my way to avoid it. The last thing I want to hear is a pop, rock or rap star lecturing on being green.

Rapper are notorious for driving smog-spewing SUVs. Most musicians own about 10 homes with an environmental footprint bigger than 100 of my own. They are constantly on the move, jetting across the country on planes that produce more pollution. They drink bottled water from Fiji and eat weird food that must travel thousands of miles to their pampered mouths.

Sure, it's nice that these stars give up some time to raise awareness on global warming, but I'd rather hear from someone who is making a difference than some hypocritical superstar who pollutes more than anyone I know. And what's the point of raising awareness about something everyone already knows about?

I think a more novel idea would be to have a bunch of people pledge to not drive for one day and then broadcast the concert over the internet. Maybe people could learn that it's not difficult to walk to your local grocery store, bar, ect. It makes more sense to teach methods that could turn into habits than hold a big concert that everyone will forget about in a week.

I need to be put down like old Yeller

2007-07-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

Seeing lots runners out and about lately made me nostalgic for my college years when my friend Renee and I would run until we could no longer take a another step. And then we'd have to walk back to our apartments (we weren't very smart). For the last few months every time I've seen a runner happily bouncing along I thought, "I should start running again." I even bothered G. Jonah about taking a run some evening.

So this morning I decided I'd take a quick jog to the post office for my morning workout. I grabbed my mail and headed out the door. For the first few minutes I thought, "This isn't so bad. I can do this."

After about four minutes I started thinking, "My lungs are going to implode and I'm going to vomit all over myself." So much for the runners high.

As I made my way to the post office I remembered why I stopped running. My knees suck and running sucks. I sincerely enjoy the feeling five minutes after I'm done running, but the time spent running I truly hate. I think I'd rather watch White Chicks while I'm getting an enema than run.

So I must give kudos to all those who run. So here's to you summer runners: You're completely insane, but you surely have better legs than I.

It's Science

2007-07-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Scientists are trying to engineer a kind of herpes that kills cancer.

Wow.

The idea initially struck me as kinda dumb -- "Oh great! My cancer is cured but my love life is over," -- but I guess I'd rather have herpes than die.

From what I understand now, though, is that the herpes attack and kill cancer cells and leave the normal cells alone.

I'll be damned.

Take off Hoser

2007-07-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

Would it be foolish to go to Winnipeg to get pizza? I just found out that some guy in Winnipeg opened a pizza shop called Porno Pizza.

Basically the pizza has a pornographic picture on the bottom of the box that you see as you eat the pizza.

And yes, I just used the words box and eat in the same sentence. Grow up.

Blogs in Space!

2007-07-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of rumors floating around recently about blogs and bloggers.

Will our cracker-loving Gerish start a blog? Will MomJumper cut his hair? Will the staff of Wogan's Heroes be banned from the internets?

I for one see all this speculation as an opportunity to gamble.

Anyone want to put some money on how long it will take The Gerish to start a blog? I'm thinking 27 days.

As for the MomJumper's hair, I'm guessing it won't see a pair of scissors until he stops thinking he looks like Thor or Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints.... So let's not clue him in yet. I'm still having fun.

Who wants to join my betting pool? Maybe we can start some kind of fantasy blogging team. I'll take Joe Blundo, or perhaps a better choice would be the big C.

Is Columbus a He or a She?

2007-07-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

It's an odd thing when you start referring to cities as people. Such as Delaware said, "He just doesn't understand me," or Columbus said, "You suck. You have B.O. and you throw like a girl."

I guess it's worse when you know cities would insult you if they could talk.

I need a vacation.

Dead Alive Changed My Life

2007-07-05T11:32:00.001-07:00

I used the fourth of July to celebrate my right to watch cheesy horror movies and it may become a tradition. Thanks to Blockbuster.com (no this is not a commercial) I watched Re-Animator and Dead Alive.

I'm a little ashamed to say I'd never seen Re-Animator before and have been waiting forever for the chance. It was as cool as microwaving a zombie baby, but I must admit I was much more impressed with Dead Alive.

***Warning, More Baby Violence to Follow***

I don't know how to effectively communicate how cool Dead Alive was, so I'll say this:

The main character takes a zombie baby to the park in a baby carriage and when it escapes he has to step on it, launch a swing at it's head and pound it's head on a pole. After he gets it under control he stuffs it into a bag and explains his behavior by saying "Hyperactive" to horrified on-lookers.

There is also zombie fighting with a lawn mower and a kung-fu who priest says "I kick arse for the Lord."

I'm sure my humble description does not do this horrifically funny zombie movie justice, but if you're a fan watch it. And it was directed by the guy who did The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Al Gore Goes to White Castle

2007-07-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, got pulled over while doing 110 mph. The cops then found weed and prescription drugs in the car.

And it was all in his Prius.....

Is it wrong that I find that incredibly funny?

I'm the ghost with the most

2007-07-02T15:18:00.001-07:00

I'm going to sound old, but I don't care. I have to say it: They don't make movies like they used to. Think about it-- Indiana Jones, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, the Princess Bride, Goonies, Die Hard, Star Wars, Heathers.... I could go on and on.

Today's movies all seem like repeats and they're choked with computer generation and too much glitz. Whatever happened to the organic films with memorable scores, believable acting and original characters?

Take BeetleJuice-- Michael Keaton ruled the movie even though he was only on screen for about 15 minutes. The characters were original and mostly likable. Danny Elfman produced a score you recognize after hearing one bar. They even managed to fit a "fuck" and ball squeeze into a PG movie.

If BeatleJuice were made today it would be laden with special effects and lack all the fun of the original. I'm not saying there aren't good movies anymore, I'm just saying classics don't come along as often anymore.

And to Hollywood, please stop doing remakes of awesome movies. Johnny Depp's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't bad, but come on, how can you top the original?

Hey Mr. Postman

2007-07-02T08:49:00.001-07:00

I know I'm a little late to the game, but I finally signed up for one of those internet movie services. Yay, I'm no longer stuck in 2004!

Now that I've taken the leap, I'm very pleased with myself. I never realized or even thought about all the low-budget crap I'd be able to find through this.

A Boy and His Dog? Never seen it on a shelf, but blockbuster.com has it.

Escape From LA was always mysteriously absent, but it's now on my queue. Dead Alive? Number four on my list.

G. Jonah searched all the local video stores to find me Maximum Overdrive. It should now be in the mail with my name on it.

Sure I'll miss winding my way through the video stores aisles, picking up classics and laughing when a red-faced guy snatches Music and Lyrics from the shelf and runs away, but I'm open to expanding my movie horizon.

Sometimes You Just Have to Shoot

2007-07-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

They say duplication is the highest form of flattery. I say that's a big sack of crap.

I've seen some pretty sad rip-offs at the video store -- Snakes on a Train, Touristas -- but yesterday I saw the worst.

Transmorphers. I wish I'd paid more attention rather than throwing the movie back on the shelf in disgust.

Is their catchline, 'More than meets the cornea?'

Stay Tuned

2007-07-02T08:26:00.001-07:00

Tonight on NBC4, 'Will new rules make your bedroom a safer place to be?'
Huh?
I honestly don't know what this exciting segment could be about, but there are so many bad places they could go.
My money's on the most boring scenario possible, perhaps on new smoke detector rules. Ick.

Greed

2007-06-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

Here's another one I just found that's due out next year.

Seriously, another Harold and Kumar movie? They're just getting greedy.

I loved the first one in its stupid glory, but this is too much. I'm sensing we have a Van Wilder 2 on our hands folks, be careful.

Wait till next summer

2007-06-29T11:22:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Slate, July hasn't even begun and I am already looking forward to next summer.

Why the crazy anticipation you ask? Slate just turned me on to a few sweet movies due in summer '08.

I'm already counting down the days until the Fourth Indiana Jones movie comes out, and a new Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly movie aren't making the wait any easier. They will star in Step Brothers and I have no doubt that hilarity will ensue.

Let's not even get me started on Tropic Thunder, which stars Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Nick Nolte.

Seth Rogan can never disappoint me and he'll star in Pineapple Express. I also have high hopes for the new Mike Myers movie (just remember So I Married an Axe Murderer).

The next M. Night Shyamalan movie has better not suck, and I just don't know what to say about the new Hulk movie or Speedracer.

Thanks a lot, Slate.

Can you hear my head shaking?

2007-06-27T11:59:00.001-07:00

If you can't, let me describe it to you-- It's in Shame.
I just saw a story that says Clinton and Giuliani are leading in Ohio polls.
I guess I really shouldn't expect more from Ohio, but I am ashamed.
I haven't decided who to throw my support behind yet because I know its a big decision. Once I show my favorite in the 2008 presidential bid, I know everyone will follow me.
It may be early, but I'm pretty sure these two dolts won't get my endorsement.
I won't even start on question-dodging, yes-man Clinton (and I mean man).
After seeing Giuliani sporting heels on Saturday Night Live, he's been among my top choices. A sense of humor is paramount for anyone who deals with a lot of stress, not to mention a country.
But the shambles of his personal life and his non-answers and no plan for the War in Iraq are alarming.
Clinton has an excuse for not making up her mind- she's a woman. But Giuliani needs to get his act together before I start respecting him again.
I suggest that you get your act together as well, Ohio. Do a little reading on the primary candidates, so the next poll I see isn't based solely on name recognition. You'll no longer get by only recognizing the names of OSU football players.
I don't like to chastise you like this, but it's for your own good.

Surprise! Another Post about TV News!

2007-06-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about making fun of the TV news people. Sometimes it seems too easy but I've never been one to deny kicking a man when he's down is fun.

To me broadcasters are like the friend that everyone makes fun of. You put wasabi in his soda, jello in his pockets and taser him, but he still comes back for more. Maybe that's why some people* seem to enjoy kicking dogs that will still lick your hand in 5 minutes.

I don't condone kicking dogs (kittens are another matter) but I do savor pointing out the toolery of the TV news.

Early this week the morning news aired a segment on the ugliest dogs. I wonder about the station that opts for this story over going a little more in-depth on important stories. God forbid a hard news story break 30 seconds.

Good Day Columbus' Johnny DiLoretto has been doing glorified commercials lately for his morning segments. He does segments (also known as commercials) at restaurants where he explains what's on the menu and talks about how tasty everything is.

I'm beginning to think that man eats, drinks and dresses for free in this city.

The journalistic integrity in those segments remind me of something my favorite comedian once said:

Jim Norton (to reporter at Die Hard 57 opening night): What kind of questions are you going to ask Bruce Willis?
Inept TV reporter: If he's going to do Die Hard 58.
Jim Norton: Are you kidding? Bruce Willis is a whore. He'd *^%# a horse if you offered him enough money.
Horrified TV reporter: .....

Things often remind me of Jim Norton, but in this instance I think the parallel between JD and BW is strikingly obvious.

* Note to our readers: A dear, but very sadistic family member used to kick my dog. She's dead now.... The dog, that is.

Boredomitis

2007-06-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

This whole boredom thing is getting out of hand. I am seriously considering counting all the dots on the ceiling, but that sounds rather boring.

I've had this issue forever. My parents told me my first words were "This mobile sucks. I'm bored."

I wouldn't be worried, but the internets are even beginning to bore me-- The internets! That's pretty sad, considering it's a whole world of knowledge at my fingertips. And I even did extra work last week because I was bored.

I foresee doom and destruction unless I find something to amuse me soon.

Global Goober

2007-06-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

Do you know how far away the nearest universe is?

I certainly don't and this quiz from Newsweek on what you should know makes me feel really stupid.

I scored a 38 percent....

No Riot

2007-06-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

My predictions of fire and mayhem in Columbus this weekend were wrong. Apparently hockey fans, the gays and hippies do get along. Who knew?

My time at ComFest was eventful to say the least. When I arrived at 5 or so, it seemed like everyone had been drinking since 6 a.m. (including the cabbie who drove us there). We ran into "Ash" who kept dancing on his cooler, a couple former co-workers and a treasurer.

I've had to play Designated Driver on several occasions, but at ComFest everyone was drunker and higher on a totally different level-- Ash peed in his cooler in the middle of the crowd and a former co-worker was sporting a lovely red Gatorade goatee.

All in all, I'll give ComFest two more thumbs than last year. Fine family fun considering all the topless women.

Depends and Cadillacs

2007-06-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to spoof a famous columnist when I say this-- it sucks to get old.
Friday night's festivities were waylayed by a backache and migraine.

G. Jonah and I were planning on checking out ComFest, but after complaining about terrible service at Las Margaritas and downing a pitcher of drinks we opted to hangout with his parents because my back felt like I got beat by angry mobsters with golf clubs.

We had a few drinks with his parents and chatted, but retired early because G. Jonah got a migraine.....

WTF?

Back aches, migraines, 10 percent tips, early in on weekends and complaining about servers.
I may as well apply for my Golden Buckeye card.

Goodbye Biscuits

2007-06-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

Bob Evans died yesterday. I was surprised that there was actually a man named Bob Evans, but I guess that does make sense.

I'm sad about the passing. That man made some awesome biscuits. I just hope the legend lives on through his awesome food.

In other news Paris Hilton was offered $1 million to do an interview with NBC when she gets out of jail.... I don't even know where to start on my rant on this.

All I'll say is that lazy-eyed, worthless, waste of space doesn't need $1 million to go on TV and say 'Jail wasn't hot.' I wish Americans would end their fascination with that air headed bimbo.

On the bright side, ComFest is looming in the future. Columbus should be booming this weekend with the hippie fest, gay pride weekend and hockey draft-- are anyone else's spidey senses tingling?

Does anyone else predict a hardcore Anchorman-type riot?

I hope I have the trident.

Not Me

2007-06-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

A recent conversation brought a great Simpson's moment to my mind today-- Homer finishes up his Family Circus album, sighs in relief and then tosses it in the fire.

That moment really sums up the general feeling for Family Circus. It's only fit for fire.

I'm not sure how the family-friendly comic strip has lasted for as long as it has. I understand it may have appealed to American back in the feel-good '50s, but we're now in the 21st century and humor has gotten a little more cutting edge.

I'm not saying that you have to constantly swear and be dirty to be funny (like this Family Circus mockery), but I just can't see what's so funny about two kids watching a ventriloquist on TV and saying "How can a ventriloquist throw his voice when I can't even pick mine up?"

.......

Wait a minute, I think I get it now and it's quite funny. Don't I feel foolish.

Journalist or Animals??

2007-06-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post did an thought-provoking story today on journalists making campaign contributions....
It's very interesting that journalists make enough money to write checks to politicians. I don't know where they work, but something tells me they make enough to not qualify for food stamps. Lucky jerks.
Money matters aside, some interesting arguments were presented.
Complaints of a skewed media are rampant. Journalists are supposed to paint a fair picture in each story and get views from every side of an argument or situation. That's not always done. And even if all sides are presented, stories can be presented in biased ways through language and emitted information.
It's wrong, but it happens.
While bias in the media is unfortunately alive and well, there are some honest journalists who try to present a fair story. These fortunate souls can separate their emotions and opinions from their work.
I'm not against political reporters and editors being banned from making contributions. I can see how political contributions widen the trust gap between the public and the media.
But the public often forgets that the media consists of real human beings. They are people, friends, mothers and sons even if they don't act like it all the time.
Journalists are entitled to their beliefs. They must keep opinions separate from their daily prose, but the God-given rights the public enjoys should not be denied to journalists just because they carry a notepad or a microphone.

2007-06-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

Clearly the author of this book being reviewed is very intelligent. In fact he's expressing my feelings on the internet ruining society and dumbing down humans, but in a much more pleasant sounding way.
I completely agree with his assessment on bloggers bringing down the media, with free information that's unreliable.
I may not share his views on Wikipedia (it is fun to surf), but the fact that it is done by amateurs and is the reflection of misinformation does not escape me.
I guess it's time to launch my plan for taking down the internet.

Killer Steamroller

2007-06-19T08:32:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what it is about bad movies, but I can't get enough of them. Someone mentioned Maximum Overdrive today and I can't stop thinking about it. I must rent it.

I want to fake sick so I can go home and watch it now.

For you poor souls who haven't heard of Maximum Overdrive, here's the dish.

It's a little apocalyptic story about machines that come to life and kill humans when a comet passes by earth. The 1986 flick is written and directed by Stephen King, although after the reviews, King said that would be his only foray into directing. The movie stars Emilio Estevez, a maniac toy semi and an ATM machine that calls Stephen King an asshole.

This winning film even has deaths scenes including a child being run over by a steamroller and a man being electrocuted by his earphones.

How could this little gem not be good?

Hey You Guuuyyyyys

2007-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

After I don't want to know how many hours without call backs I think I've been blacklisted.

Or is it blackballed?

I wonder if there was ever a pirate called Blackballs.

It would certainly be no worse than One-Eyed Willy.

What the Goonies makers were thinking when they named the pirate One-Eyed Willy? I never really caught on when I was a little kid, but now I feel kind of dirty.

The whole movie was a kid searching for One-Eyed Willy. It sounds like a child molester's dream.

Perverts.

They say our world has lost its finesse

2007-06-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

And I think they may be right.

Day two of sitting here, waiting on others and fighting terrible feelings of impotency. I can feel myself getting dumber each minute I stare at the computer....

I'd like to start a conversation but my small-talk skills are lacking and as pointed out during lunch this week, blogging takes away all conversation.

I have no fun stories to tell because I've told them all on my blog. I can't be funny because it takes all my wit to craft each blog.

So I come to the only acceptable conclusion-- the internets is ruining society!

Every day conversations are numbed down to a paragraph-long blog post. Cheerful exchanges are trimmed to a quick e-mail.

Why walk across the office when you can just type out a few words?

The internets is exposing the lazy disposition of humans with the ease of clicking, and sucking out our souls with each gaze at wide-screen illumination.

I may sound like a lunatic, but when the Terminator saves you from Robert Patrick, you'll see that I'm wise beyond years. The internets is lulling us into a brain dead life of drudgery.

Trust me, the Apocalypse is a-comin' and the internets is three out of the four horsemen.

The other is Cracker Barrel.

My Shining Accomplishments

2007-06-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

For today, they are none unless you count taking up space and grumbling.

In all my extra time of sitting around and waiting on other people, I am pondering employment in the field of contract killing.

I keep picturing O-Ren Ishii sniping a diplomat from a skyscraper and can't help but think it'd be a fun job.

But I have a few questions before I melt off my fingerprints and buy an arsenal.

Do I need any formal education or training? I'm not so hot on joining the army, but I'm pretty sure a stint in the Foreign Legion wouldn't hurt my chances of getting a $1 million hit.

How do I contact potential employers? I can't imagine stumbling across a hit contract in the want ads and I'm pretty sure employment agencies are out. Perhaps there's a Web page like murderjobs.com or something like that...

What kind of resume should I put together? Should it include body parts and blood? Do I need references?

This sounds like a lot of work, but right now I've got the time.

Adolf, where's my pitchfork?

2007-06-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

Some poor, needy, clueless schmuck keeps texting "Kim" at my phone saying he misses her and wants a chance. I am not Kim and don't know Kim.
When the first text came at 3:30 a.m. I thought, 'Ignore it.'
When the second call came at 7:30 a.m. I thought, 'Maybe I should tell him he's got the wrong number...'
But when the third text came I started to think, 'Maybe I should mess with this loser.'
Now I'm at a moral cross road-- ignore this boob or tell him Kim is married, has herpes or is moving to Alaska to work with wild bears (think Grizzly Man)? I'm also toying with the option of giving him a time/date/location that Kim wants to meet him at for dinner and then stopping by to watch the douchebag get ditched.
No one deserves treatment like that, but what kind of guy begs over text message? And what kind of guy -- who likes this girl-- gets the wrong number?
So maybe he does deserve it and maybe I am that evil... Bwahahahahaha!
Maybe I'll go to hell or Karma will seek revenge, but this will be funny.
Where's my phone?

Fun with Typos

2007-06-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

I just called Red, White and Boom Red, White and Boob.

Hee hee.

You're Fired, Superman

2007-06-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I am going to start an Internet petition to get Donald Trump to shave his head.
I know it's a good idea because he has bad hair to begin with, but I'm picturing a resemblance to Lex Luther if the Trump would shave his head.
DT is already kind of an ass, but if he looked like Lex Luther he might become a bad ass and that would be good for everyone.
Maybe he would stop those silly feuds with Rosie O'Donnell and start taking over the world and fighting superman.