I was listening to Push It To the Limit at work— the song made popular by Scarface. It plays when Al Pachino is accumulating great wealth from dealing drugs and buying a tiger for his backyard. You know, the sort of things any Bill Gates does when he makes his first million.
The music accompanies a kickass, typical 80’s montage. I strongly believe it inspired the Montage song in Team America.
So I was picturing my own montage. I’m working hard, getting things done, kicking ass and taking names. And then I realized how boring a montage of someone sitting in front of a computer and talking on the phone would be.
Life is cruel.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish
For a while this week my life rhymed.
I had a sty in my eye.
Sure it rhymes, but it wasn’t the sweet life portrayed in Dr. Seuss books. It was a bitch. Who was dead in a ditch.
Sorry I can’t help myself. I love to rhyme.
My boyfriend in college got sties in his eyes sometimes. He would put a hot cloth on his eye while his roommates and I watched the Discovery channel, did drugs or went on a gambling spree in Vegas. His eye would get red and swollen and made him look like he let my dinner get cold.
Sty time was fun for me, but not for him.
Perhaps it was karma that put the big, painful zit-looking sty on the edge of my eyelid this week, but the pain only lasted for a day.
So I must not be that bad of a person…. That or I’ve grown very adept at tempting karma.
Bring it on bitch.
I had a sty in my eye.
Sure it rhymes, but it wasn’t the sweet life portrayed in Dr. Seuss books. It was a bitch. Who was dead in a ditch.
Sorry I can’t help myself. I love to rhyme.
My boyfriend in college got sties in his eyes sometimes. He would put a hot cloth on his eye while his roommates and I watched the Discovery channel, did drugs or went on a gambling spree in Vegas. His eye would get red and swollen and made him look like he let my dinner get cold.
Sty time was fun for me, but not for him.
Perhaps it was karma that put the big, painful zit-looking sty on the edge of my eyelid this week, but the pain only lasted for a day.
So I must not be that bad of a person…. That or I’ve grown very adept at tempting karma.
Bring it on bitch.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The juice is back
As if I needed any reasons to love Slate more, here comes the best story on that lovable scamp OJ: If I Robbed Him: That Son-Of-A-Bitch Is Lucky To Be Alive After He Stole My Damn Souvenirs.
The entire situation is ridiculous, but Slate effortlessly chugs through the mind of the Juice--
On the killings of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson: "That killing Nicole and that Goldman dude back in 1994, who were really asking for it, not that I'm saying I did it, but if I did do it then it wasn't that big a deal, she had it coming, that no-good blood-sucking c—"
On the armed robbery being recorded: "Way I see it, the tape is a good news/bad news thing. It's good news because I don't have to go all fuzzy in this book like I did in If I Did It about what happened when my explosive rage crossed the line into criminality.
Uh, if it crossed into criminality. Which it didn't."
Keep up the good work Slate. My random laughing is really starting to creep out my coworkers.
The entire situation is ridiculous, but Slate effortlessly chugs through the mind of the Juice--
On the killings of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson: "That killing Nicole and that Goldman dude back in 1994, who were really asking for it, not that I'm saying I did it, but if I did do it then it wasn't that big a deal, she had it coming, that no-good blood-sucking c—"
On the armed robbery being recorded: "Way I see it, the tape is a good news/bad news thing. It's good news because I don't have to go all fuzzy in this book like I did in If I Did It about what happened when my explosive rage crossed the line into criminality.
Uh, if it crossed into criminality. Which it didn't."
Keep up the good work Slate. My random laughing is really starting to creep out my coworkers.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Shameless Plug
This is for all you punkasses out there who haven't read G. Jonah's column on International Talk Like A Pirate Day. http://www.snponline.com/articles/2007/09/13/hilliard_northwest_news/opinion/allbishopc_20070912_0250pm_2.txt
I can appreciate the complete dorkiness exhibited in this little column, but I cannot condone that smirk....
I can appreciate the complete dorkiness exhibited in this little column, but I cannot condone that smirk....
Johnny "Birdman" DiLoretto
Within 5 minutes of Good Day Columbus kicking off this morning, Johnny DiLoretto was being mocked by a big green bird. Not a parrot, a big green bird because JD is not cool enough to be mocked by a parrot.
Every time JD talked the bird started mumbling along with him and when JD laughed the bird used the most annoying guffaw. JD even went to far as to threaten the bird.
OK, maybe the bird wasn't mocking JD, but they shared a similar stage presence. Perhaps the Columbus News Center should consider booting JD for the bird.
Every time JD talked the bird started mumbling along with him and when JD laughed the bird used the most annoying guffaw. JD even went to far as to threaten the bird.
OK, maybe the bird wasn't mocking JD, but they shared a similar stage presence. Perhaps the Columbus News Center should consider booting JD for the bird.
Dumpster babies
This story in Slate is both inspiring and brilliant. http://www.slate.com/id/2173458/nav/tap1/
Now I have an excuse other than my own selfishness for never having kids-- being green.
Perhaps one day I will run for political office with the platform of solving all the world's problems by decreasing the population.... It would kind of work and leave less people for me to be annoyed with.
Pure genuis.
Now I have an excuse other than my own selfishness for never having kids-- being green.
Perhaps one day I will run for political office with the platform of solving all the world's problems by decreasing the population.... It would kind of work and leave less people for me to be annoyed with.
Pure genuis.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Hug it out bitch
My life is sad, but I'm watching season 3 of the Office and wondering how I went the entire summer without it.
I know some charlatans think the British version is better, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the mass awkwardness caused by Michael Scott and the complete assery of Dwight.
And who can forget the creepiness of Creed? "I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing."
When it goes off the air I'm thinking mass suicide or possibly the coming of the apocalypse.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
I know some charlatans think the British version is better, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the mass awkwardness caused by Michael Scott and the complete assery of Dwight.
And who can forget the creepiness of Creed? "I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing."
When it goes off the air I'm thinking mass suicide or possibly the coming of the apocalypse.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
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