XYZ

I just discovered my zipper has been down all day. I was a little worried until I realized my shirt covered it.

Only I and the internets know....

365 Days for Dreaming... ugghh

I like fortune cookies, but I don't respect them. I think my feelings of malice come from the fact that they are totally misrepresenting themselves.
Today I got a fortune cookie that said "There are 365 days in a year, may all 365 of your dreams come true."
That's not a fortune. This cookie should have been called a wellwish cookie.
I've gotten fortune cookies before that say things like "Your ambition can only be limited by your dreams," or "No man is without enemies."
What kind of fortune is that?
I want something that says, "Your fly will be down when you're at the store this evening," or "You'll stub your toe tomorrow."
I'd even take "You'll be hungry again in three hours," or "You'll contract herpes this weekend."
I want something honest. No more of this vague horseshit. I want fortune cookies to have balls and tell you how it is-- predict the good and the bad.
After all it's a fortune cookie, not a bullshit cookie.

Obey traffic laws...

Saturday evening was the Columbus Zombie Walk and it was 51 flavors of kick ass.
I got to meet the dead body guy and got tons of compliments on my leg gash.
I really don't know what else to say about how absolutely cool it was, besides noting the zombie camaraderie-- or would it zomradarie? The at least 100 undead from Columbus were sharing blood and body parts, and the zombie togetherness almost made my zombie eyes tear up with blood.
Those of you who missed the zombie shenanigans should be sad... you never know when another outbreak will come.

Ode to Indoor Plumbing

There's nothing like a weekend of camping to make you appreciate modern conveniences. Not that camping wasn't fun, but I think our gracious hostess said it best-- 'You have lots of fun, but when it's time to go home, you're ready.'
Damn straight.
I was up at 7:30 a.m. Monday morning ready to pack. Not that I didn't have fun...
I finally got to canoe, although there were kids posted around the banks of of Mohican River just waiting to spray or water balloon anyone who passed by. With threats and stern looks, however, I remained dry until our canoe captain "lost control of his paddle and splashed the rest of the crew"- but I don't believe it. He meant to soak us.
I found a pee balloon in the river too, but that's a whole other story.
Camping also gave me the chance to play with fire-- one of my favorite past times. Not only is fire fun to look at, drink by and put random stuff in, but it also cooks food! Who knew?
My favorite burning item was a celebrity magazine. I tore the pages off and burned them one by one.
'Sorry Leo.'
'This is for Battlefield Earth and Wild Hogs John Travolta.'
I saved the front page with Sheryl Crow, Jessica Simpson and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for last. When I threw it in the fire it flamed quickly and all at once, most likely a testament to how evil Tom Cruise is.
Camping was quite enjoyable, but now that I'm done I can't help but appreciate how comfortable beds are, how nice it is to turn on a light instead of a flashlight and how awesome showers are.
Nothing pleased me as much as having a toilet in the next room that consisted of pipes and water instead of a hole in the ground. Running to the outhouse at 4:30 a.m. with your bladder about to burst really makes you appreciate indoor plumbing.
So thank you Sir John Harington Thomas Crapper and everyone else who contributed to this wonderful and under appreciated invention. Kudos.

Emo Vs. Goth

On my way home from work today I saw a group of teens. I don't want to sound old, but I really don't understand these kids today. One of the girls was wearing a collar with a carabiner on it. I'm pretty sure it was style over function because if this girl was rock climbing and fell, her neck would snap.
Surprisingly, though, it was not the carabiner that I found strange-- it was the goths. I remember seeing goths all the time when I was in high school, but I haven't seen many lately.
At first I wondered if goths were converting to emoish, but then I realized how silly that idea is-- The goths would never give up their Rennaisance fairs and Marilyn Manson.
So now I'm really wondering, who would win in a fight?
Goths are tougher, they wear spiky jewelry and boots. Emos cry and cut themselves....
Seems like an easy question, right?
But what happens when a mongoose is backed into the corner?
Exactly.

Your Mom

I'm not sure who else reads Dear Prudence on Slate, but it can be quite amusing at times.
In today's letter, a mom queries Prudence on what to do about a photo that's circulating among her son's friends of a beaver shot. The mom says she was wearing underwear under that short skirt, but I suspect an attempt to pull a Mrs. Robinson.
Of course Pruddie tells the mom to keep her mouth and legs shut so she doesn't ruin her poor son's life.
It's letters like this that make me envy Prudence's job, although I'm not so sure I'd be as loved as her.
For example, I'd do this if I got this letter:
Dear Miss Manners,
My boyfriend proposed to me, but I hate the ring. Frankly, it's ugly and embarrassing. I want to make him buy me a better ring, but I don't know how to ask without hurting his feelings. What should I do?
--Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,
First off, maybe you should have chosen the name Dumb Hole instead of Disappointed, because that's exactly what you're being. Your boyfriend decided to give up fun and marry you. You should give the poor guy a break.
But if you cannot accept the ring your boyfriend bought you with all the love in his heart, maybe you should break it off and find someone who cares more about looks than you.
-- M M

Or this:
Dear Miss Manners,
I'm pregnant and afraid my husband doesn't find me attractive anymore. He tells me I'm beautiful, but it doesn't sound honest. He's also been working longer hours and he says its for extra money for the baby, but I think he's having an affair. When I get jealous, he just tells me I'm being silly. I don't want to bring a baby into a loveless marriage. What should I do?
-- Paranoid Pregnant

Dear Preggers,
Kill yourself.
-- M M

It's not easy being Dead

Yesterday I began my quest to find awesome and convincing makeup for my foray into the zombie nation this weekend. A trip to Yankee Trader downtown, however, left me a little disheartened as they had no white or black face paint.
I asked the workers WTF? and I got thrown out. So with little to work with, I must forage around Columbus for other costume shops.
I could use white out and magic markers for my makeup if worse comes to worse, but I pray that it doesn't come to that.
Perhaps I should try some method costuming and ask someone to bury me tonight. Maybe if I feel like a zombie I will look like one....

Sadness is Ice Cream

Or rather the lack of it.

I'm a little bummed because the Ice Cream Festival in Uttica is this weekend. I went last year and it was cool, but there were too many children there. I live under the belief, though, that ice cream should be celebrated properly and that is the perfect venue.

I won't be able to enjoy ice cream on Saturday because I'll be dead or undead and getting ready to go camping. I guess my only option is to get my shit together early and go terrorize children at the ice cream festival before the zombie walk.

Q: Will I get kicked out of the zombie union for eating ice cream?
A: Not of its from a child's skull.

As long as I'm ruining festivals I may as well make a pit stop at the Asian Festival. Although I'm curious, do they admit zombies or only Mothra and Godzilla?
48 hours till zombification and already I'm feeling their plight.

Viva el morte!

The title probably doesn't make much sense, but I only took two semesters of Spanish in college and at that time I was drinking heavily.

My point is, Zombie Walk Columbus is two days away and I can barely restrain myself from practicing my zombie walk and moan around the office.

I tore up an old T-shirt last night and can't wait to see how it looks with lots of blood on it. I also anticipate practicing with some makeup. It's been awhile since I've donned the garb of my zombie brothren, so I am a bit nervous. I don't want my makeup to suck so I look like a tranny who got beat up instead of a member of the undead nation.

For anyone not in the know, the walk starts at 5 p.m. Saturday in Goodale Park and I'll be there will blood on... literally.

From what I've been able to find out so far, we're going to drag our corpses to the Convention Center where (believe it or not) the Multiple Alternative Realities Convention, or MarCon, is going on. I guess the zombie walk people were asked by the nerds to do a walk through, so we'll see if I can restrain myself from dinning on geek a la mode. The plan is to walk to Sin City, who is doing makeup for some zombies, and then return to Goodale Park where we will battle with the living.

After we eat some braiiiiinnnnns it's off to the House of Nightmares in the Brewery District and the bars for some, although my maggot-infested ass is going camping.

So expect pictures and stories next week.

Hopefully tales of arrest will not be included.

I'm kind of a big thing

Before Weds/Thurs lunch today I never really wrapped my head around how big blogs are (yes, another epiphany from my dumb ass).
Talk of what's on whose blog took at least five minutes of lunch today, and in a crowd whose lunch time talk ranges from zombies to the minivan (don't ask), that's pretty damn good. While waiting for calls back today I ripped through the who's who of blogs and I could have spent five more hours if my eyes hadn't been burned by my computer screen.
And I never knew other people read the drivel I post every day.
With that said, I'd like to apologize and pledge to start posting on riveting, politically relevant topics. The future of this blog will cover important, breaking news and I hope to soon add a Vodcast.

Who am I kidding? We all know I don't have that kind of attention span.

Without Prozac

I was surfing the net and just found out about the Multiple Alternative Realities Convention -or MARCON- that's going on in Columbus this weekend. A co-worker has been to this affront to God and said these nerds get dressed up and do their gaming and have these big theme parties at night with bouncers and bars.

Normally I would consider going to the area for the sole purpose of pointing and laughing until I could take no more. Somehow the first thought that popped into my mind, however, was beating up a bunch of nerds or maybe rolling them in the parking lot and taking all their money.

I've never been in a fight before, but I can't stop thinking about wailing on some nerds this weekend.

I watched Roadhouse recently, so I think the levels of testosterone in my body may be way too high right now....

If Laughing at Farts is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right

Yes, you heard me.
I came to this realization when I heard a fart today (not my own) and could barely stifle the laughter. When ever I'm in a public restroom and I hear someone rip one I cannot help but laugh at the horror of it. I don't know exactly what it is about flatulence that makes me chortle. Perhaps its just the embarrassment of the social faux pas, but I think it's hilarious.
Normally I am ashamed and can only hang my head when people say, 'I don't think toilet humor is funny' or 'I don't like fart jokes,' but I can no longer hide who I am.
I think farts are funny-- there I said it and I feel much better, if not a little embarrassed.

Rudy: Indecision 2008

Thanks to Slate my vote in the primary may have been deterred from former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani. The man had me at his first kick when he showed up on SNL in high heals among a line of chorus girls, but after finding out about his personal life, I'm not so sure.
Cons: I don't like kids, but he is pro-choice.
His son isn't talking to him.
He's been married three times-- so basically he doesn't learn a lesson.
Rudy announced the separation from his second wife in a press conference before he told her (classy!).
His law firm lobbies for Venezuelan-owned Citgo.
He's been "awarded" the life-time achievement award for blocking free expression.
Pros: He's a very loose Republican.
He's appeared in drag a few times and he wore heals in a kick line on SNL.

Hmmm, perhaps I should stop basing my political decisions on whether or not the candidate feels good in drag..... I guess we'll see what happens as the shitstorm of a primary rolls on.

Is this really happening?

I'm starting to think that some joker at the Columbus Water Department is spiking the water supply with acid or something because I keep seeing the strangest things.

You know those moments when you pinch yourself to make sure you're not sleeping because some weird-ass happenings are going down? I had one when Toby Maguire started acting emo and dancing on a piano in Spiderman 3. I looked around at my fellow movie-goers and asked, "Is this really happening?"

Well, I've had too many of those moments lately.

As I was walking into my apartment complex yesterday I noticed a butterfly as big as a robin perched above a door. Butterflies really don't garner the spite from me that most bugs do, but that enormous sucker had me running to my door.

And the elderly lady walking through my parking lot in a pink polka-dot bikini top and an umbrella really freaked me out too.

Please stop messing with my head.

Tom Toolery

Dancing with the Anchors ended today on Good Day Columbus and I was rather disappointed.

Final dances from the anchors and Johnny DiLorreto were played-- quite anti-climactic. I only saw JD's segment, but I was hoping to see him stepping on his partner's toes, talking smack to the other anchors and dancers, and finally trying to open-mouth kiss his partner.

His final dance was lacking in his usual enthusiasm and toolishness and rather than being a douche he talked about how much he sucked.
What an opportunity missed.

My Deepest Apologies

I don't know how I've neglected to write about this until now, but my deepest apologies to you for not mentioning Ronald Reagan earlier.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I saw a movie earlier this month and it changed my life.
In The Tripper a Ronald Reagan-obsessed serial killer murders a bunch a hippies at a concert/love fest. I am not kidding either-- this is a real movie and it was as cool as 10 stripper heads in the freezer. It even had Jason Mewes and Paul Ruebens in it. Don't let the fact that it's a David Arquette flick deter you from seeing it (although his lovely wife makes a hilarious 30-second appearance).
Despite being very conservative, The Tripper (sadly) didn't spend the entire 90 minutes making fun of only liberals. It made fun of everyone, and hippies.
Fun facts about Ronnie were also strewn throughout the film, including his fondness of jelly beans.
I guess what I'm saying is if you want to be my friend, watch this movie. And if you don't want to be my friend but still like seeing hippies die, watch this movie.

Damn the Man

The post office recently upped postage from 39 to 41 cents. I'm sure you're all thinking, 'It's only 2 cents, deal with it.' But I have 11 39-cent stamps, which means I need 11 2-cent stamps (do those exist?) or 22 1-cent stamps.

Since when did mailing something get to be so much work? When I was young you just slapped a stamp on a letter and off it went without these damn postal workers complaining about gas prices and rabies.

I'm going to just start tapping pennies to the envelope along with my 39-cent stamps.

That'll learn 'em.

That Didn't Suck

Kudos goes to the Simpsons for their 400th episode.

It's not like the Simpsons can ever do wrong, but I was very pleased with the events that got Kent Brockman kicked off the news.... They pretty mirrored the Imus situation to a T.

Yay for exposing the liberal weinies that sit around and listen to shows just so they can find something offensive to complain about. Those people really need to get a real job.

*Note to our readers: I know that conservatives have groups watching the liberals, but just like global warming, I refuse to say it exists. That and those liberal nut jobs need to be monitored. If they took over the world no one would shower and everyone would be sitting around singing "Kum By Ya."

Cleveland Doesn't Especially Rock... But Indy Does

Visiting new cities is a bitch. I always look around and think 'This is so much cooler than where I live. Maybe I should move...' But as you can see, I haven't yet no matter how tempting the aspect is.

I was in Indianapolis over the weekend and the thought of living there does not make me cringe. The downtown is much prettier than Columbus and it seems smaller because I cannot get lost there. We rented a paddleboat on the canal and walked around the city. We ate delicious food and drank tasty beverages. The homeless people in Indianapolis are nice, they don't harrass you for money. They sit on the corner and jingle their change cups so you can hear a chorus of pennies and dimes ringing through the streets.

It was good times that compared to hookers and blow, but when you wake up the next morning you have to drag your lazy ass out of bed and go home. You consider just staying and living in a cardboard box until a bed opens at the Y, but somehow you always find yourself magically transported to your car which happens to be two hours out of the city. Damn.

I sometimes consider putting the nix on traveling because coming home depresses me, but visiting shitty places like Detroit make it worth it because you can honestly say 'At least I don't live in Detroit.'

Depression Setting In...

Last night was the season finale of the Office. It's rather sad, but I live for Thursdays.

The final epsiode of this season induced embarrassing laughter-- the donkey laughs to be exact. But shortly after that masterful moment when Ryan accepted the job at corporate, got this blissful smile on his face and told Kelly 'We're done," I got sad.

What am I going to do on Thursdays until next season starts?

My life has lost a little meaning now that I don't have the antics of Dwight, Michael, Pam and Jim to look forward to.

Wow, my life is pathetic.

My Stupidity Strikes Back

Let's continue this little talk about how I can barely spell, nonetheless communicate today. To recap:
1. My sentences no longer make sense.
2. In my world "fast-paced" is "face-paced."
3. Let's not even start on accordions.
4. "T-shirt" is "T-shit."
5. Seways are taking the place of "segue".... but I really don't think I can be blamed for this one. Why the hell aren't things spelled phonetically??
I think perhaps my best plan of action for the rest of the day should be to find a helmet and make sure I don't lose any more brain cells. I'll make a note to stay away from electrical outlets too....

I'm an Embarrassment....

Today I spelled accordion aquordion.
Sometimes I'm surprised my own stupidity hasn't killed me yet.
In other news, I keep thinking about this stripper law passed in the house this week-- it's really dumb. Someone moderately smart said such a law isn't a good idea in light of Ohio trying to keep it's young adults from moving the hell out of here. I'd like to move away from all these annoying prudes myself.
At the introduction of the bill I heard people talking about how high crime statistics are around strip clubs. Anyone with a brain could see most strip clubs are located in crappy areas due to zoning. Look at Dockside Dolls. The strip clubs off Sawmill are probably safe. I go to a bar beside them all the time and have never had a problem.
While I think the entire law is unnecessary, I did hear one stripper complaining about how she won't make any money anymore.
Maybe you should have spent your money on school instead of a new pair of knockers.
Get a real job like the rest of us working stiffs.... ha ha stiff. I really didn't mean to do that.

Why I'm Pissed Off Today

From Detroit Free Press :"Good-bye, Opie & Anthony. XM Satellite Radio suspended them and their New York-based morning radio show for 30 days, effective immediately, possibly setting the stage for their eventual dismissal.
The offense: The duo allowed a homeless man to utter profanity and talk about wanting to have sex with some famous women on their XM-only show, which runs from 9 to about 11 a.m. and isn't bound by normal broadcast standards.
In a release, XM said a May 14 apology 'put into question whether they appreciate the seriousness of the matter. The management of XM Radio decided to suspend Opie and Anthony to make clear that our on-air talent must take seriously the responsibility that creative freedom requires of them.'"
I listen to O&A every morning and everyone knows they were hired for just this kind of content. Their job is to shock, offend and entertain. And since when are Condi, Laura Bush and Queen Elizabeth not public figures? Did I miss the memo that took our first amendment away?
I'd just like XM to appreciate the seriousness of me cancelling my XM subscription.
Jerks.

Etiquette

I thought it was just an old wives tale, but I was in the restroom today and someone left without washing their hands...
Gross.

Is this a problem?

Today on my Onion calendar there's a photo of a popsicle-stick cross with a name on it. The caption reads "Child Buried in BackyardUnder Popsicle-Stick Cross."
I laughed for five minutes when I first saw it and I keep glancing at it for subsequent laughs.
Do I find the death of children too funny?
Maybe.

Farewell to Falwell

As mentioned in my previous post, Jerry Falwell died.
I knew about some of the more interesting parts of his life (you've got to respect Hustler's hilarious concoction of how he lost his V card), but I wikied him anyways.
I'm sure Falwell has helped people and done some good in his life, but looking at the many times he got stuck with his foot in his mouth, I must say this could be good for Christianity.
I was raised going to Sunday school, Bible school and Wednesday night choir practice, but people like Falwell tend to make other Christians look bad. I'm sure he meant well, but people like him turn others off religion. Remember the Teletubbies thing?
In the interest of being kind, though, I will say Good luck, bro.

Bad Habits

In the interest of not wasting time I'm blogging at work... quite a conundrum, eh?
I'm hoping that working on improving my writing and communication will qualify as work-related activity as I have nothing else to do but sit around and wait for others to get their act together. I've exhausted the internet and it's come to this.
That and technically I shouldn't even be here.
On the brighter side Jerry Falwell died today. I never realized before that he's based in Lynchburg, TN the home of Jack Daniels.... does anyone else see the irony?
Also, I recently discovered the fact that despite the Jack Daniel's distillery being located in Lynchburg, it's a dry town. More irony from Tennessee.

TV News + Reality TV = Reality News??

Just as I was beginning to hope that reality TV had run its course, I find out TV News is venturing into that sick, twisted and sometimes boring world. The anchors of Good Day Columbus are doing a segment called Dancing with the Anchors.

I find root canals more appealing than watching Dancing With the Stars, so I'm not really sure why it's popular. My only theory is that TV stations are now hiring monkeys to think up ideas for shows and the American public isn't smart enough to figure it out.... but I digress.

I would think that people find Dancing with the Stars interesting because there are "stars" or athletes trying to dance. Have you ever watched white people dance at a club? It's pretty much the same thing, I'm guessing.

I'm certain the star power of the show is the big draw, so I'm quite puzzled on who thought using local TV news anchors for a similar segment was a good idea. TV news anchors around here are not interesting, rich or powerful and I'm pretty sure they've never been pursued by the paparazzi.

I'd really prefer to have the TV anchors report the news. If it's a slow news day maybe they could do a story on local news that's not negative instead of copying national TV that's not even that interesting to begin with..... But that's just an idea.

Only a few weeks to live??

I will soon be traveling through Kentucky when I go on vacation and I'm rather fearful of getting a shotgun blast to the face.
I'm not sure what kind of disposition Kentuckians have, but I have a hard time biting my tongue. I like to make jokes, and I'm not sure how much of a sense of humor Kentucky natives have on the subjects of incest and beastiality.
I guess we'll see.
I never wanted to have an open-casket funeral anyway.....

Shame on you, Ohio Democrats!

Sure, we don't always agree on policy, spending or the war. Often times I think of your membership in the Democratic Party as a disease you were born with or some fatal flaw your parents made when raising you (maybe mommy didn't hug you enough), but this weekend you went too far.

You gave Hillary Clinton money? I really thought you knew better. Here comes some Flanders-style finger wagging.

How could you support that liberal nutjob? Do you really want nationalized healthcare and voting for convicts?

How will the world respect a woman who can't keep her husband in line? It's going to be World War III up in here!

Come on people. If we're going to ever get a woman in the White House, how about a hot one? The Europeans would love that...

Good Day Columbus Does it Again!

As I watched my favorite Columbus TV news personality this morning I realized why I'm sad when I don't get to see Johnny DeLoretto in the morning. There were some awkward moments between my favorite tool and Gov. Strickland's wife this morning during their broadcast at a Civil War Reenactment at the State House.

JD would say something "funny" and Mrs. Strickland would smile at him warily and there would be a few moments of uncomfortable silence that reminded me of my favorite show-- The Office.

Yes, JD could be Michael Scott, though not nearly as masterful with inappropriate and awkward comments. It's not nearly as funny and JD's comments sometimes lean towards douchy, but some of the looks he gets are the same that Pam, Jim, Angela and the rest of the cast shoot each other... *sigh*

Ohio's first lady will not play Pam, as this was probably a one-time appearance, but check out the show some morning if you want to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed for others.

Tool

This morning on Fox28's GoodDay Columbus, Johnny DiLorretto *cough,tool* played Are You Smarter than a Fifth-Grader.....

I'll say no more. It's just too easy.

Karma 1, PH 0

I am surprisingly amused with Paris Hilton's 45-day jail sentence. I know it's mean and karma will probably come after me next, but I still laugh.... Bwahahahaha!

For those of you who have no idea what I'm musing about-- Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation for a DUI.... hmmmm, I wonder if she has party plates of her 18 cars? I digress, though.

First off, why was she driving? Doesn't she have people to do that for her? Doesn't she have enough money to call a taxi??? And why was she driving after her probation? Did she think no one would notice?

I'm glad she'll spend some time in jail. Maybe it'll make her realize that she's not special or talented, she's just Paris Hilton because she was born at the right place at the right time. I'm sure if karma had known how worthless she'd come to be, it would have placed her in the womb of a crack whore in Detriot.

I'm not saying I hope she gets gang raped in the shower, or anything. I am just hoping she learns that she can use her money and fame for good, instead of releasing a crappy CD.

F is for Failure

I got promoted at work because for some odd reason people think I'm awesome (but I guess they can't be blamed).
Somehow I think I may crash in a ball of flames, though. I now have to navigate downtown, which I have previously failed at numerous times. I also have to interact with people-- not an easy task at times.
For example, last night I attended my first event for my new job. I found the person in charge and introduced myself. I had been repeating this person's name over and over again so I wouldn't forget..... "Hi, you must be Don," I said.
"No, Dan."
D'oh! Those weren't the exact names, but you get the point.
I fail.

Conformists

Who ever thought spiderman could be a goth? Apparently in a Cure-induced mania Sam Rami decided it would be a good idea to make spiderman/Peter Parker a goth douche in Spiderman 3.
Don't get me wrong, Peter Parker acting like a complete asshat and constantly tossing his black bangs could have been the most amusing part of the movie...
If not for BC.
Yes, Sam Rami is in his usual form and packs a shotgun full of cameos into the film. Bruce Campell rocks the cock and James Cromwell makes an appearance, although I would have been a bit happier if he had told spidey 'that'll do, pig.'
Stan Lee has a small cameo too, but it was all but ruined when some braindead tool in the audience said, 'who's that?' and then got the response, 'i think it's the original spiderman?'
Peons.
Spiderman 3 wasn't all that bad. The acting was awful, and i laughed hardest probably when I wasn't supposed to, which brings me to the major positive of the move-- lots of laughs.
I think the movie would have been a bit better if Harry had chopped of Mary Jane's head and Eddie Brock Jr. and Peter Parker would have gone out to a bar acting like tools and woken up in each other's arms the next morning... Ebert and Roper would have called it 'Heart warming...'

Let's not make this painful

Hello bugs. Thanks for meeting me in this crowded coffee shop. I'm hoping it will make this awkward conversation a little less painful.
We need to talk. Please stop following me and showing up at my workplace and apartment. I thought I made my feelings clear when I kicked you out of bed and attacked you. I do not want to cohabitate with you, I was not raised that way.
I know this is harsh, but I don't want to mislead you in any way.
I don't want to see you ever again. I don't care how you change yourself, it's not going to happen.
You're not my type. Frankly, you creep me out and disgust me.
So let's just part amicably before I have to call the authorities or have you poisoned.... Because if you don't leave me alone I'll do it.
I don't like using threats, but you gave me no choice after you showed up at my home two times this week.
So let's just part ways before anyone gets hurt.

Think Positive

Concerning changes, recent developments.... this couldn't be any worse than it was before, right?
Here I go tempting fate.

I am NOT getting rid of Ash, or my two favorite Onion articles. I mean, who do these people think they are?

Damnit George

GW decided to break into the Simpsons so he could explain why he vetoed the war spending bill. Is that really necessary? I think we've all heard for weeks that GW was going to veto the bill if it set a timeline for withdrawal of the troops, so no explanation is needed. Hell, you're the president, you can't get re-elected so why explain? Do whatever you want GW.

I don't really care about the bill. I know troops won't be leaving the area for a while. I won't get into whether or not I think the war is right, but I think one day all the Iraqis should wake up some morning and all the soldiers should be gone. But before they all start to celebrate, they realize the soldiers took all their goats.... Take that Iraqis.

This explanation is taking a little too long. Couldn't he have just dropped us all a quick e-mail? He's interrupted about five minutes if the Simpsons so far and I am not amused. I know the show has been on for years and it's on every night, but come on. Couldn't they have explained this in a more entertaining way? Homer refuses to pay for a donut he ate and Bob tries to kill Bart again. Viola!

I feel left out

My bathroom smells like weed.

Did I miss something?

On Kidnapping

I'm a lousy criminal. I kidnapped an item of a friend (not really kidnapped, more like exploited forgetfulness) and took pictures to show I had the item. After going through the trouble of creating a new e-mail address to send the pictures it all comes down to this:
I send the photos.
When I'm asked about said kidnapped items I smile coyly and say "What are you talking about?"
"Your name is on the e-mail address."
Yes, apparently I am that stupid. I didn't even think about my name showing up with the e-mail address when I was filling out info. I am a computer boob.
I guess I can add my name to the stupid criminal list.