These Boots are Made for Walking and I Really Don't Have a Choice

Most of my Sunday was spent in Fort Seneca (snuggled in the corn fields between Fremont and Tiffin) standing beside my overheated car. My drive from Port Clinton was cut short when my car overheated.

I've never had a problem like that before, G. Jonah figured it was a need for coolant, so we braved the tough streets of Fort Seneca and waited 50 minutes for my parents to rescue us. The streets really weren't so mean, just deserted. In the town of about 50 homes, 5 people stopped by to ask if we needed help.

When I left my home town of Wauseon (population 7,000) I swore off small towns forever. But Fort Seneca made me remember that there is something positive to be said for small towns-- People are friendly and willing to lend you tools or give you a ride to the closest gas station about 15 minutes away.

My parents arrived before a sunburn set in and found my vehicular problems were much more expensive than coolant. The verdict is out, but early predictions say I blew a head gasket. I don't even know how you blow a head gasket but it sounds expensive.

I guess things could be worse. One good Samaritan (whose yard my car is still probably in) said it was a good thing I stopped when I did. I didn't blow the engine or warp the head (whatever that it) so I don't need a new car.

So this week I'm going to be a hippie and walk everywhere and lecture everyone on the evils of depending on foreign oil and global warming.

But as soon as I get my car back I'm driving everywhere, staring with a trip to my mailbox.

RIP

Condolenses go out to all victims of black Thursday and the resulting fallout of Sewage Friday. If comfort can be offered it will most likely come in the form of gunfire out at the farm next weekend amidst booze and peanutbutter ice cream.

In other sad news, my Happy Sunshine Foundation funds remain at $0. Please send me donations. I can think of no better way to wash away this week's drudgery than firing a cannon off the cliffs of my sunburned tropical island. You all can come and enjoy the show, but I warn you the boat has sprung a leak and the dolphins aren't always dependable for a ride.

Some things never die, like Mick Jagger

I haven't seen it yet, but I've been reading all these negative reviews for The Simpsons movie. Everyone is saying this movie is coming out 10 years too late or The Simpsons has lost its panache. What do I say to that? Worst. Review. Ever.

Sure everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I'll take this opportunity to show mine.

This movie was going to come sooner or later. Why not now, during a summer movie season that's sucking (with the exceptions of Knocked Up and Super Bad)? Sure I sometimes get annoyed with some of the new shows that are a bit too liberal for me, but the Simpsons is still entertaining and engaging.

As pointed out in one review, Homer is getting a bit more mean and stupid, but I think its funny. The show is evolving with time. Mr. Burns is getting more evil, Smithers more gay and Ralphie more screen time. Sure it will never be as good as it was in the 90's, but that's no reason to dog the show or not see the movie.

Anyway, how you can not see a movie with Spider Pig in it? It's almost a sin.

I see, hear and experience things that make me wonder about humanity every day.

It amazes me what people will tell a total stranger with a trusting and kind manner. What amazes me even more is the way people treat each other whether they be strangers, acquaintances, friends or even family. It depresses me that I'm often on the receiving end of the shitty treatment. I'm not exactly the world's toilet, but I am beginning to ponder the price of a porcelain hat.

Some days I want to pull a Henry David Thoreau and go live in the wilderness, but that would make me a hippie and we can't have that. Other days I consider developing agoraphobia, but I'd get bored.

So here's my plan: Please send money to the Happy Sunshine Foundation. With the proceeds I'll buy an island in the Caribbean or South Pacific and become the mighty dictator. I'd promise all the donors a place on my island, but you may annoy or piss me off, so I'll fore go any empty promises.

If you stay on my good side, though, welcome. You'll be the one I send on the beer and food run. But don't forget my DVDs or you are so gone.

Hi, I'm Chris Hensen from Dateline

Sure, that catch line sends any pedophile into sweaty shakes and most law-abiding citizens into rapt attention. Dateline's To Catch a Predator series has been on for a couple years, striking fear into the hearts of pervs and serving as the ultimate Punked for the rest of society.

The legality of the show has been questioned constantly, but the underlying theme remains: Don't solicit sex from kiddies on the internet*. It's not harmless. It's real and you will get caught.

A couple months ago the show caught a Texas assistant county prosecutor having sexually explicit conversations with a decoy posing as a 13-year-old boy. He didn't show up to the home Dateline set up so police and Dateline cameras went to his home to make an arrest. Realizing he had been caught, the guy shot himself.

I assume this man was guilty. A reaction like that warrants that kind of speculation. But now his sister is suing Dateline for $105 million, claiming that Dateline took over the role of police and didn't protect her brother.

"She said her brother was unable to defend himself when police, NBC employees and associates swarmed his yard, creating a relationship between NBC and her brother similar to the relationship a prison guard has with an inmate," the AP reported.

What a load of crap. This man was a public servant and he realized he'd been caught. This life-ruining crime was too much for this man to fess up to and he took the easiest way out.

Simple as that. Hopefully the jury will see this as another pointless lawsuit. After all $105 million will not bring this lady's brother back and it won't make him less of a perv.

* A note to readers: Soliciting sex from kiddies everywhere is wrong, not just on the internets.

Hippies In Sppppaaaccccce

A top story for MSNBC today is a space walk in which astronauts littered. Surprisingly, the liberal media took a light-hearted approach and isn't harping on the whole littering thing. But it got me thinking, is littering bad in space?

There's more space for the litter to go and I liken it to littering in Kansas-- no one really cares, because no one's there.

Following that train of thought gets me to my first get-rich-quick scheme: a toxic landfill on the moon. Why not? Nothing else is there.

Who would care?

Greenpeace, that's who.

I'm just guessing on the group. Maybe the Sierra Club would create a space branch, but I'm pretty sure a landfill on the moon would piss some hippie off. Perhaps I could launch moon rocks at their inflatable space craft when they come protest.

Could anything be more fun than seeing a hippie suffocate in space Total Recall style?

What can I say? I'm a sociopath

I strongly considered adding a paper bag to my wardrobe today, but after cutting out eye holes I realized a brown-paper bag isn't really business casual.

Apologies go out to all who have been victims of the following behavior: violation of personal space, repetition of the same story or phrase, harassment (physical, sexual and verbal) and my personal favorite narcissism. Special apologies go out to G. Jonah, the jukebox at Bob's and the Grove City White Castle.

You'd think a glass of water down the front of the pants would have a much more humbling effect.

I don't regret the comments on the facial hair of Lord Thomas the Severe, though. He had a nicely trimmed handle-bar moustache that made me think of Sam Elliot. You'd think White Castle would require a hair net for that thing.

So let's all smother our embarrassment with a theoretical pillow and start anew. Unless I said or did something nice. Remember that because it so rarely comes around.

Ahhh nature

I went to the lake this weekend and an offshore wind allowed me to partake of nature.

The wind pushed the water out, exposing sandbars and enabling the more adventurous to venture a mile off shore and only be in waist deep water. I found clams, crabs and tried to save some small fish from beaching themselves.

But a very unfortunate view of nature gave my father and I the kind of bonding experience no one should go through.

My father ran into some friends on the beach and stopped to introduce me. Upon the second introduction I received an eye full of junk.... twig and berries, pork and beans, ect.

The 40-something man was wearing short-shorts, no underwear and crossing his legs so his one-eye willy kept winking at me.

My father proceeded to talk to the group for 15 minutes as the man crossed and uncrossed his legs a la Fatal Instinct and I awkwardly looked away.

As soon as we parted company with Sharon Stone I had to ask my father if he saw the package. How could you not?

"I was hoping you didn't notice," he said.

When my mom found out she relayed a similar story about my grandfather. As if the day couldn't get worse.

*Shudder and Gag*

Crocs are a crock... of poo

I'm no fashionista and I go out of my way not to wear heals, but I just can't understand this whole Crocs thing.

Sure I've heard they're super comfortable and really clean, but any shoe that boasts being dishwasher safe is not for me.

I've also heard they're made from materials that aren't bad for the earth. Hopefully that means when everyone realizes how ugly they are and send them to the dump, they'll disintegrate into the earth quickly.

Slate wrote a very telling article about why they're popular, but the author and I still came to the same conclusion-- they're ugly as sin.

So let's destroy all Crocs around the world. If you need tips, check out ihatecrocs.com. It's absolutely brilliant.

Oh happy day!

Sometimes I think fate is too good to me. I just found out that George A. Romero (iconic zombie film-maker, for those of you who don't know) is working on a new film called the Diary of the Dead.

Please breathe regularly and remain seated. I know my brain almost exploded in happiness when I found out.

From what I understand so far is the movie starts out with some college kids in the woods making a film on mummies when all hell breaks loose and the zombies come. From there I think it's the basic zombie survival movie, although one kid keeps filming throughout the whole incident.

So who knows if it will have some of the feel of Blair Witch or the Descent, but $10 says it's going to kick serious ass.

Poop

I know I'm extremely immature, but I can't help laugh at the headline on MSN: "Keeping Up With the Wangs."

On life in the shoes of G. Jonah Jameson

It sucks. I don't think there are any other words to succinctly describe it unless you'd like me to be more eloquent and curse.

I was the last one to leave yesterday and the first here today. Someone shoot me.

I now understand why the hard-nose, cigar-smoking editor had such an attitude against Spiderman. "Who is Spider-Man? He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! What's he doing on MY front page?"

When movies attack!

A couple years ago a man got a bomb-collar put around his neck and he was forced to rob a bank. But even after he did the job, the collar exploded and he died.

Normally I would think, movie gone wrong. Someone watched Saw too many times and decided to make money off tormenting people rather than just tormenting them.

Now the FBI has unveiled that the guy with the exploding neck was in on the whole thing.

Does this mean it turns into a heist film? Perhaps Employee of the Month (the good one, not the one with Jessica frickin' Simpson).

All I know is that exploding-neck guy was definitely on the wrong side of this plot. But I guess when you wake up and you're a 46-year-old pizza delivery man maybe robbing a bank with a bomb around your neck doesn't seem like such a lousy idea.

Is it hot on this planet or is it just me?

Every morning I'm bombarded with stories on global warming on NPR -- ways people are trying to stop it, ways it's affecting nomads in Mongolia, ways it's making the lives of polar bears suck. I see stories on the internets constantly and Global Warming poster boy Al Gore is everywhere spouting his sanctimonious save the world crap.

I'd like to save the earth or keep it healthy, but my annoyance with this Global Warming "awareness" attack reached new heights with Live Earth.

I didn't tune into any of the concerts. I actually went out of my way to avoid it. The last thing I want to hear is a pop, rock or rap star lecturing on being green.

Rapper are notorious for driving smog-spewing SUVs. Most musicians own about 10 homes with an environmental footprint bigger than 100 of my own. They are constantly on the move, jetting across the country on planes that produce more pollution. They drink bottled water from Fiji and eat weird food that must travel thousands of miles to their pampered mouths.

Sure, it's nice that these stars give up some time to raise awareness on global warming, but I'd rather hear from someone who is making a difference than some hypocritical superstar who pollutes more than anyone I know. And what's the point of raising awareness about something everyone already knows about?

I think a more novel idea would be to have a bunch of people pledge to not drive for one day and then broadcast the concert over the internet. Maybe people could learn that it's not difficult to walk to your local grocery store, bar, ect. It makes more sense to teach methods that could turn into habits than hold a big concert that everyone will forget about in a week.

I need to be put down like old Yeller

Seeing lots runners out and about lately made me nostalgic for my college years when my friend Renee and I would run until we could no longer take a another step. And then we'd have to walk back to our apartments (we weren't very smart). For the last few months every time I've seen a runner happily bouncing along I thought, "I should start running again." I even bothered G. Jonah about taking a run some evening.

So this morning I decided I'd take a quick jog to the post office for my morning workout. I grabbed my mail and headed out the door. For the first few minutes I thought, "This isn't so bad. I can do this."

After about four minutes I started thinking, "My lungs are going to implode and I'm going to vomit all over myself." So much for the runners high.

As I made my way to the post office I remembered why I stopped running. My knees suck and running sucks. I sincerely enjoy the feeling five minutes after I'm done running, but the time spent running I truly hate. I think I'd rather watch White Chicks while I'm getting an enema than run.

So I must give kudos to all those who run. So here's to you summer runners: You're completely insane, but you surely have better legs than I.

It's Science

Scientists are trying to engineer a kind of herpes that kills cancer.

Wow.

The idea initially struck me as kinda dumb -- "Oh great! My cancer is cured but my love life is over," -- but I guess I'd rather have herpes than die.

From what I understand now, though, is that the herpes attack and kill cancer cells and leave the normal cells alone.

I'll be damned.

Take off Hoser

Would it be foolish to go to Winnipeg to get pizza? I just found out that some guy in Winnipeg opened a pizza shop called Porno Pizza.

Basically the pizza has a pornographic picture on the bottom of the box that you see as you eat the pizza.

And yes, I just used the words box and eat in the same sentence. Grow up.

Blogs in Space!

There's been a lot of rumors floating around recently about blogs and bloggers.

Will our cracker-loving Gerish start a blog? Will MomJumper cut his hair? Will the staff of Wogan's Heroes be banned from the internets?

I for one see all this speculation as an opportunity to gamble.

Anyone want to put some money on how long it will take The Gerish to start a blog? I'm thinking 27 days.

As for the MomJumper's hair, I'm guessing it won't see a pair of scissors until he stops thinking he looks like Thor or Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints.... So let's not clue him in yet. I'm still having fun.

Who wants to join my betting pool? Maybe we can start some kind of fantasy blogging team. I'll take Joe Blundo, or perhaps a better choice would be the big C.

Is Columbus a He or a She?

It's an odd thing when you start referring to cities as people. Such as Delaware said, "He just doesn't understand me," or Columbus said, "You suck. You have B.O. and you throw like a girl."

I guess it's worse when you know cities would insult you if they could talk.

I need a vacation.

Dead Alive Changed My Life

I used the fourth of July to celebrate my right to watch cheesy horror movies and it may become a tradition. Thanks to Blockbuster.com (no this is not a commercial) I watched Re-Animator and Dead Alive.

I'm a little ashamed to say I'd never seen Re-Animator before and have been waiting forever for the chance. It was as cool as microwaving a zombie baby, but I must admit I was much more impressed with Dead Alive.

***Warning, More Baby Violence to Follow***

I don't know how to effectively communicate how cool Dead Alive was, so I'll say this:

The main character takes a zombie baby to the park in a baby carriage and when it escapes he has to step on it, launch a swing at it's head and pound it's head on a pole. After he gets it under control he stuffs it into a bag and explains his behavior by saying "Hyperactive" to horrified on-lookers.

There is also zombie fighting with a lawn mower and a kung-fu who priest says "I kick arse for the Lord."

I'm sure my humble description does not do this horrifically funny zombie movie justice, but if you're a fan watch it. And it was directed by the guy who did The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Al Gore Goes to White Castle

Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, got pulled over while doing 110 mph. The cops then found weed and prescription drugs in the car.

And it was all in his Prius.....

Is it wrong that I find that incredibly funny?

I'm the ghost with the most

I'm going to sound old, but I don't care. I have to say it: They don't make movies like they used to. Think about it-- Indiana Jones, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, the Princess Bride, Goonies, Die Hard, Star Wars, Heathers.... I could go on and on.

Today's movies all seem like repeats and they're choked with computer generation and too much glitz. Whatever happened to the organic films with memorable scores, believable acting and original characters?

Take BeetleJuice-- Michael Keaton ruled the movie even though he was only on screen for about 15 minutes. The characters were original and mostly likable. Danny Elfman produced a score you recognize after hearing one bar. They even managed to fit a "fuck" and ball squeeze into a PG movie.

If BeatleJuice were made today it would be laden with special effects and lack all the fun of the original. I'm not saying there aren't good movies anymore, I'm just saying classics don't come along as often anymore.

And to Hollywood, please stop doing remakes of awesome movies. Johnny Depp's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't bad, but come on, how can you top the original?

Hey Mr. Postman

I know I'm a little late to the game, but I finally signed up for one of those internet movie services. Yay, I'm no longer stuck in 2004!

Now that I've taken the leap, I'm very pleased with myself. I never realized or even thought about all the low-budget crap I'd be able to find through this.

A Boy and His Dog? Never seen it on a shelf, but blockbuster.com has it.

Escape From LA was always mysteriously absent, but it's now on my queue. Dead Alive? Number four on my list.

G. Jonah searched all the local video stores to find me Maximum Overdrive. It should now be in the mail with my name on it.

Sure I'll miss winding my way through the video stores aisles, picking up classics and laughing when a red-faced guy snatches Music and Lyrics from the shelf and runs away, but I'm open to expanding my movie horizon.

Sometimes You Just Have to Shoot

They say duplication is the highest form of flattery. I say that's a big sack of crap.

I've seen some pretty sad rip-offs at the video store -- Snakes on a Train, Touristas -- but yesterday I saw the worst.

Transmorphers. I wish I'd paid more attention rather than throwing the movie back on the shelf in disgust.

Is their catchline, 'More than meets the cornea?'

Stay Tuned

Tonight on NBC4, 'Will new rules make your bedroom a safer place to be?'
Huh?
I honestly don't know what this exciting segment could be about, but there are so many bad places they could go.
My money's on the most boring scenario possible, perhaps on new smoke detector rules. Ick.