Greed

Here's another one I just found that's due out next year.

Seriously, another Harold and Kumar movie? They're just getting greedy.

I loved the first one in its stupid glory, but this is too much. I'm sensing we have a Van Wilder 2 on our hands folks, be careful.

Wait till next summer

Thanks to Slate, July hasn't even begun and I am already looking forward to next summer.

Why the crazy anticipation you ask? Slate just turned me on to a few sweet movies due in summer '08.

I'm already counting down the days until the Fourth Indiana Jones movie comes out, and a new Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly movie aren't making the wait any easier. They will star in Step Brothers and I have no doubt that hilarity will ensue.

Let's not even get me started on Tropic Thunder, which stars Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Nick Nolte.

Seth Rogan can never disappoint me and he'll star in Pineapple Express. I also have high hopes for the new Mike Myers movie (just remember So I Married an Axe Murderer).

The next M. Night Shyamalan movie has better not suck, and I just don't know what to say about the new Hulk movie or Speedracer.

Thanks a lot, Slate.

Can you hear my head shaking?

If you can't, let me describe it to you-- It's in Shame.
I just saw a story that says Clinton and Giuliani are leading in Ohio polls.
I guess I really shouldn't expect more from Ohio, but I am ashamed.
I haven't decided who to throw my support behind yet because I know its a big decision. Once I show my favorite in the 2008 presidential bid, I know everyone will follow me.
It may be early, but I'm pretty sure these two dolts won't get my endorsement.
I won't even start on question-dodging, yes-man Clinton (and I mean man).
After seeing Giuliani sporting heels on Saturday Night Live, he's been among my top choices. A sense of humor is paramount for anyone who deals with a lot of stress, not to mention a country.
But the shambles of his personal life and his non-answers and no plan for the War in Iraq are alarming.
Clinton has an excuse for not making up her mind- she's a woman. But Giuliani needs to get his act together before I start respecting him again.
I suggest that you get your act together as well, Ohio. Do a little reading on the primary candidates, so the next poll I see isn't based solely on name recognition. You'll no longer get by only recognizing the names of OSU football players.
I don't like to chastise you like this, but it's for your own good.

Surprise! Another Post about TV News!

I don't know what it is about making fun of the TV news people. Sometimes it seems too easy but I've never been one to deny kicking a man when he's down is fun.

To me broadcasters are like the friend that everyone makes fun of. You put wasabi in his soda, jello in his pockets and taser him, but he still comes back for more. Maybe that's why some people* seem to enjoy kicking dogs that will still lick your hand in 5 minutes.

I don't condone kicking dogs (kittens are another matter) but I do savor pointing out the toolery of the TV news.

Early this week the morning news aired a segment on the ugliest dogs. I wonder about the station that opts for this story over going a little more in-depth on important stories. God forbid a hard news story break 30 seconds.

Good Day Columbus' Johnny DiLoretto has been doing glorified commercials lately for his morning segments. He does segments (also known as commercials) at restaurants where he explains what's on the menu and talks about how tasty everything is.

I'm beginning to think that man eats, drinks and dresses for free in this city.

The journalistic integrity in those segments remind me of something my favorite comedian once said:

Jim Norton (to reporter at Die Hard 57 opening night): What kind of questions are you going to ask Bruce Willis?
Inept TV reporter: If he's going to do Die Hard 58.
Jim Norton: Are you kidding? Bruce Willis is a whore. He'd *^%# a horse if you offered him enough money.
Horrified TV reporter: .....

Things often remind me of Jim Norton, but in this instance I think the parallel between JD and BW is strikingly obvious.

* Note to our readers: A dear, but very sadistic family member used to kick my dog. She's dead now.... The dog, that is.

Boredomitis

This whole boredom thing is getting out of hand. I am seriously considering counting all the dots on the ceiling, but that sounds rather boring.

I've had this issue forever. My parents told me my first words were "This mobile sucks. I'm bored."

I wouldn't be worried, but the internets are even beginning to bore me-- The internets! That's pretty sad, considering it's a whole world of knowledge at my fingertips. And I even did extra work last week because I was bored.

I foresee doom and destruction unless I find something to amuse me soon.

Global Goober

Do you know how far away the nearest universe is?

I certainly don't and this quiz from Newsweek on what you should know makes me feel really stupid.

I scored a 38 percent....

No Riot

My predictions of fire and mayhem in Columbus this weekend were wrong. Apparently hockey fans, the gays and hippies do get along. Who knew?

My time at ComFest was eventful to say the least. When I arrived at 5 or so, it seemed like everyone had been drinking since 6 a.m. (including the cabbie who drove us there). We ran into "Ash" who kept dancing on his cooler, a couple former co-workers and a treasurer.

I've had to play Designated Driver on several occasions, but at ComFest everyone was drunker and higher on a totally different level-- Ash peed in his cooler in the middle of the crowd and a former co-worker was sporting a lovely red Gatorade goatee.

All in all, I'll give ComFest two more thumbs than last year. Fine family fun considering all the topless women.

Depends and Cadillacs

I'm not trying to spoof a famous columnist when I say this-- it sucks to get old.
Friday night's festivities were waylayed by a backache and migraine.

G. Jonah and I were planning on checking out ComFest, but after complaining about terrible service at Las Margaritas and downing a pitcher of drinks we opted to hangout with his parents because my back felt like I got beat by angry mobsters with golf clubs.

We had a few drinks with his parents and chatted, but retired early because G. Jonah got a migraine.....

WTF?

Back aches, migraines, 10 percent tips, early in on weekends and complaining about servers.
I may as well apply for my Golden Buckeye card.

Goodbye Biscuits

Bob Evans died yesterday. I was surprised that there was actually a man named Bob Evans, but I guess that does make sense.

I'm sad about the passing. That man made some awesome biscuits. I just hope the legend lives on through his awesome food.

In other news Paris Hilton was offered $1 million to do an interview with NBC when she gets out of jail.... I don't even know where to start on my rant on this.

All I'll say is that lazy-eyed, worthless, waste of space doesn't need $1 million to go on TV and say 'Jail wasn't hot.' I wish Americans would end their fascination with that air headed bimbo.

On the bright side, ComFest is looming in the future. Columbus should be booming this weekend with the hippie fest, gay pride weekend and hockey draft-- are anyone else's spidey senses tingling?

Does anyone else predict a hardcore Anchorman-type riot?

I hope I have the trident.

Not Me

A recent conversation brought a great Simpson's moment to my mind today-- Homer finishes up his Family Circus album, sighs in relief and then tosses it in the fire.

That moment really sums up the general feeling for Family Circus. It's only fit for fire.

I'm not sure how the family-friendly comic strip has lasted for as long as it has. I understand it may have appealed to American back in the feel-good '50s, but we're now in the 21st century and humor has gotten a little more cutting edge.

I'm not saying that you have to constantly swear and be dirty to be funny (like this Family Circus mockery), but I just can't see what's so funny about two kids watching a ventriloquist on TV and saying "How can a ventriloquist throw his voice when I can't even pick mine up?"

.......

Wait a minute, I think I get it now and it's quite funny. Don't I feel foolish.

Journalist or Animals??

The Washington Post did an thought-provoking story today on journalists making campaign contributions....
It's very interesting that journalists make enough money to write checks to politicians. I don't know where they work, but something tells me they make enough to not qualify for food stamps. Lucky jerks.
Money matters aside, some interesting arguments were presented.
Complaints of a skewed media are rampant. Journalists are supposed to paint a fair picture in each story and get views from every side of an argument or situation. That's not always done. And even if all sides are presented, stories can be presented in biased ways through language and emitted information.
It's wrong, but it happens.
While bias in the media is unfortunately alive and well, there are some honest journalists who try to present a fair story. These fortunate souls can separate their emotions and opinions from their work.
I'm not against political reporters and editors being banned from making contributions. I can see how political contributions widen the trust gap between the public and the media.
But the public often forgets that the media consists of real human beings. They are people, friends, mothers and sons even if they don't act like it all the time.
Journalists are entitled to their beliefs. They must keep opinions separate from their daily prose, but the God-given rights the public enjoys should not be denied to journalists just because they carry a notepad or a microphone.

Clearly the author of this book being reviewed is very intelligent. In fact he's expressing my feelings on the internet ruining society and dumbing down humans, but in a much more pleasant sounding way.
I completely agree with his assessment on bloggers bringing down the media, with free information that's unreliable.
I may not share his views on Wikipedia (it is fun to surf), but the fact that it is done by amateurs and is the reflection of misinformation does not escape me.
I guess it's time to launch my plan for taking down the internet.

Killer Steamroller

I'm not sure what it is about bad movies, but I can't get enough of them. Someone mentioned Maximum Overdrive today and I can't stop thinking about it. I must rent it.

I want to fake sick so I can go home and watch it now.

For you poor souls who haven't heard of Maximum Overdrive, here's the dish.

It's a little apocalyptic story about machines that come to life and kill humans when a comet passes by earth. The 1986 flick is written and directed by Stephen King, although after the reviews, King said that would be his only foray into directing. The movie stars Emilio Estevez, a maniac toy semi and an ATM machine that calls Stephen King an asshole.

This winning film even has deaths scenes including a child being run over by a steamroller and a man being electrocuted by his earphones.

How could this little gem not be good?

Hey You Guuuyyyyys

After I don't want to know how many hours without call backs I think I've been blacklisted.

Or is it blackballed?

I wonder if there was ever a pirate called Blackballs.

It would certainly be no worse than One-Eyed Willy.

What the Goonies makers were thinking when they named the pirate One-Eyed Willy? I never really caught on when I was a little kid, but now I feel kind of dirty.

The whole movie was a kid searching for One-Eyed Willy. It sounds like a child molester's dream.

Perverts.

They say our world has lost its finesse

And I think they may be right.

Day two of sitting here, waiting on others and fighting terrible feelings of impotency. I can feel myself getting dumber each minute I stare at the computer....

I'd like to start a conversation but my small-talk skills are lacking and as pointed out during lunch this week, blogging takes away all conversation.

I have no fun stories to tell because I've told them all on my blog. I can't be funny because it takes all my wit to craft each blog.

So I come to the only acceptable conclusion-- the internets is ruining society!

Every day conversations are numbed down to a paragraph-long blog post. Cheerful exchanges are trimmed to a quick e-mail.

Why walk across the office when you can just type out a few words?

The internets is exposing the lazy disposition of humans with the ease of clicking, and sucking out our souls with each gaze at wide-screen illumination.

I may sound like a lunatic, but when the Terminator saves you from Robert Patrick, you'll see that I'm wise beyond years. The internets is lulling us into a brain dead life of drudgery.

Trust me, the Apocalypse is a-comin' and the internets is three out of the four horsemen.

The other is Cracker Barrel.

My Shining Accomplishments

For today, they are none unless you count taking up space and grumbling.

In all my extra time of sitting around and waiting on other people, I am pondering employment in the field of contract killing.

I keep picturing O-Ren Ishii sniping a diplomat from a skyscraper and can't help but think it'd be a fun job.

But I have a few questions before I melt off my fingerprints and buy an arsenal.

Do I need any formal education or training? I'm not so hot on joining the army, but I'm pretty sure a stint in the Foreign Legion wouldn't hurt my chances of getting a $1 million hit.

How do I contact potential employers? I can't imagine stumbling across a hit contract in the want ads and I'm pretty sure employment agencies are out. Perhaps there's a Web page like murderjobs.com or something like that...

What kind of resume should I put together? Should it include body parts and blood? Do I need references?

This sounds like a lot of work, but right now I've got the time.

Adolf, where's my pitchfork?

Some poor, needy, clueless schmuck keeps texting "Kim" at my phone saying he misses her and wants a chance. I am not Kim and don't know Kim.
When the first text came at 3:30 a.m. I thought, 'Ignore it.'
When the second call came at 7:30 a.m. I thought, 'Maybe I should tell him he's got the wrong number...'
But when the third text came I started to think, 'Maybe I should mess with this loser.'
Now I'm at a moral cross road-- ignore this boob or tell him Kim is married, has herpes or is moving to Alaska to work with wild bears (think Grizzly Man)? I'm also toying with the option of giving him a time/date/location that Kim wants to meet him at for dinner and then stopping by to watch the douchebag get ditched.
No one deserves treatment like that, but what kind of guy begs over text message? And what kind of guy -- who likes this girl-- gets the wrong number?
So maybe he does deserve it and maybe I am that evil... Bwahahahahaha!
Maybe I'll go to hell or Karma will seek revenge, but this will be funny.
Where's my phone?

Fun with Typos

I just called Red, White and Boom Red, White and Boob.

Hee hee.

You're Fired, Superman

I am going to start an Internet petition to get Donald Trump to shave his head.
I know it's a good idea because he has bad hair to begin with, but I'm picturing a resemblance to Lex Luther if the Trump would shave his head.
DT is already kind of an ass, but if he looked like Lex Luther he might become a bad ass and that would be good for everyone.
Maybe he would stop those silly feuds with Rosie O'Donnell and start taking over the world and fighting superman.

Can Zombies Contribute to Society?

Your guess is as good as mine, but some think they can.

Spam Fried Rice?

I always thought that Hawaii would be a great place to visit, but this is making me wonder....

According to MSNBC "Isle residents consume more than 5 million pounds of Spam a year, an average of about six cans for every man, woman and child."

The king is now offering Spam croissants and a Spam, eggs and rice plate in Hawaii. Whaaa?

I was expecting lots of seafood, maybe some kind of Asian food with a tropical twist, but spam?
Hawaii, I am very disappointed in you.

Tennessee Travels Cont'd....

Friday- After a three hour car ride to Memphis we visited the King's house. Yes, I have been in Graceland and I guess it would be alright if you kissed my feet although I have showered since my visit.
The tour wasn't all I expected, no one is allowed on the second floor because it's Elvis' private space.... although that makes me believe even more that he is alive.
I was bummed that didn't get to see the toilet that Elvis "died" on, but I guess the kitchen where he made peanut butter banana sandwiches was good consolation. The living room was pretty cool because it was decorated like a jungle and I was pleasantly surprised by all of Elvis' ceramic monkeys throughout the house.
His grave site was impressive-- there were tons of people looking sad, but I think it should be a crime to look sad at Graceland.

After Elvis we ventured down to Beale Street -- which was 73 kinds of awesome-- and had some tasty BBQ and drinks at the Rum Boogie Cafe. I got a bucket from Silky O'Sullivan and basked in the neon while listening to Big Jerry play the blues in an alley (his band was amazing). We went into the Double Deuce, but neither Dalton or Sam Elliot were working so we went to Wet Willies for grain alcohol-laden frozen drinks. Beale Street got pretty crowded after dark, but you can carry your drink out of the bar and down the street to listen to live blues and jazz coming from almost every bar.
I don't remember much after that besides being called a little lamb while I bought corn nuts at a gas station....

Saturday- I restrained myself from drowning children in a scaled down replica of the Mississippi River at Mud Island Park. The replica was super sweet-- it followed the river from start to finish and even covered large tributaries. You could wade in the "Mississippi" and my travel companion especially enjoyed hopping over the "Mississippi" in small bounds.

We then hit the Pink Palace Museum, which has one of those big keyboards like the one in 'Big.' On the way back we passed the Memphis Scientologist "Church" and I gave it the bird and wished for napalm.

Then we went to the Peabody to see the Peabody ducks. Every day tons of people gather around a fountain in this old hotel at 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. to watch ducks come out of an elevator (from their home at the top of the hotel) and into the fountain in the lobby. I was amazed that the ducks didn't go apeshit (or would it be duckshit?) and attack-- there was a huge crowd and the flashbulbs were going off. I expected a King Kong scenario, but got a Disney movie.
Oh well, they can't all be winners.

I finally got to play some skee ball and then went to the Blues City Cafe where I had the best ribs ever. Beale Street was calling so we went for more drinks and saw an Elvis impersonator who sang 'You Were Always on my Mind.' Elvis didn't do that song originally, but I must say that any song sounds better when Elvis sings it.

Sunday- 10 hours of hell in the car. I counted 22 Waffle Houses and four adult book stores.

Gullible's Travels

The first day back to work after vacation is always like a root canal, although the 10-hour drive back yesterday does come close.
Here's a short run down of my travels over the last week, because I know everyone's interested:

Tues- After a six hour drive in which we passed 26 (yes, I counted) Cracker Barrels, two hitchhikers and two traveling porta-potties, we arrived in Nashville and went to the Willie Nelson Museum, which is just as kickass as it sounds. Then to Cooter's, the Dukes of Hazard Museum which had Daisy Duke Underoos, a Boss Hogg costume and other amazing junk.

Weds- First a visit to the scale-replica of Greece's Parthenon and then off to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which I enjoyed even though I hate country music (really just the recent stuff).

Somehow in all my planning I failed to notice that Thursday through Sunday was the County Music Association's annual music festival. I've never heard of them, but all these famous names were there. We even stumbled upon a parade, but I didn't recognize a soul even though women were screaming and throwing panties.

After checking out the bar scene along Broadway and eating a BLT with roasted apples on it (I don't know how it tasted so good, I'm in strong opposition of the whole fruit on sandwiches and in salads thing) we met up with a former co-worker** for more drinks.
** As for our former co-worker I'm happy to report that everything seems to be going well and his new office is much cooler than the old.

Thurs- I got drunk off fumes while touring the Jack Daniel's Distillery in the dry town of Lynchburg. Really, we breathed in 140 proof fumes that cleared my nasal cavities while learning everything there is to know about making whiskey. We even got to see the safe that eventually caused Jack's death.
I bought a tasty-looking collector's bottle of Jack that is being retired this year and then toured Lynchburg, which took a grand total of 5 minutes.

At the Grand 'Ole Opry Museum I learned everything I'd ever want to know and more about Minnie Pearl (her most recent fame from the Bloodhound Gang's 'A Lap Dance is so Much Better When the Stripper is Crying'). I went to the Cock of the Walk and ate "the world's best catfish," but I've had better. We then enjoyed some after dinner drinks with our former co-worker at a micro brewery that made me wish I drank beer.

More on travels in Memphis will come soon.....

More on HC

I was listening to NPR and I heard one clueless voter say she would vote for Hilary Clinton based solely on the fact that she's a woman.

.... Does anyone else see significant problems with that kind of reasoning? If HC is president we can only hope for that sort of like-minded reasoning.-- 'The president of France called me ugly so we're going to bomb him,' or 'The Queen of England said she liked my shoes so I'm putting an embargo on all trading with the exception of England.'

I'm not saying that we can't have a female president, I'm just saying we should be a little but more choosy. Maybe someone who's not hideous, obnoxious and can keep her husband in line.

I also feel very comfortable with questioning the 'fact' that HC is a woman. Where's the proof?

Canada is looking Viable

My greatest fear is coming closer to reality each day.
I keep hearing about presidential debates and hearing Hilary Clinton referred to as a "front runner" makes my sphincter tighten.
I can't imagine her as president and every time I try I go into seizures. Really.
I can only hope that in the post-apocalyptic world in which Hilary Clinton is president that I am far, far away from America.
What country is furthest away from America? That's where you'll be able to find me if Clinton wins in 2008.
God help us all.

Global Warming? Never Heard of It

Yesterday a top NASA guy told NPR he doesn't think global warming will be a bad thing for earth.
Today the scientific community is all but calling for his crucifixion.
When the AP called the NASA guy for a comment, he wouldn't talk. But NASA's public relations did blame NPR for asking him about global warming....?

In other global warming news, Bush has finally admitted that he believes in global warming and will even start working on some restrictions to reduce emissions.
Al Gore reportedly said 'Finally!' and then packed up his industrial-strength hairdryer and left the Arctic.