The G-Shot should have more to do with G-Force

I have recently been scarred by a Dispatch article on vaginal surgeries. I understand the need to remove tumors and that sort of thing, but this story talks about surgeries such as, “procedures to tighten the vaginal opening, decrease labia size and shoot collagen into the G-spot, an area of the vaginal wall thought to be highly sensitive.”

WTF?

Who came up with this stuff? Wouldn’t a doctor’s or researcher’s time be better spent finding a cure for cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease or Alzheimer’s?

I began wondering who would even get this type of surgery, but I already know the answer—dumb holes who didn’t get hugged enough by their daddies who pay $500,000 for bigger boobs, lips and a tighter butt.

I guess wherever stupid people are willing to spend their money, greedy doctors will find a way to get it.

And they say our society has lost its finesse*.

It has.

*Five points to anyone who can tell me where that quote comes from.

Grow a pair, Holbrook

I’m disappointed that former OSU president Holbrook apologized and took back her comments about OSU. I guess it was a trite thing to say at a job interview unless she was trying to show that she can handle hooligans on campus.

I don’t think a big deal should be made out of her comments, though, because most of the behavior she talked about happens. Maybe she exaggerated a little bit on the whole “culture of rioting” thing, but riots do happen at OSU and I think that’s unacceptable.

Sure, it was funny the first time it happened after I moved here, but sometimes I’m a little ashamed to admit I live in Columbus because Buckeye fans here are obnoxious, violent and annoying and people know it.

I understand cheering for/supporting a team, but the fans around Columbus take it over the edge. I mean come on people, it’s only football. And to be frank it's getting a little annoying.

Your Questions Answered

Due to an overwhelming response from readers, fans and stalkers, I decided to answer some of the many questions I receive from adoring fans each day. So go wild.

Q: Where did your blogs name come from?
A: A line from Lenny in a Simpson's episode. I really couldn't think of anything else.

Q: What's with your zombie obsession?
A: It's not an obsession, I'm preparing for the day the zombies come. And I'm hoping you all learn valuable lessons for that day from me, such as- Make yourself a duct tape suit to wear when the zombies come. It's really hard to bite through it.

Q: Why do you keep posting on this retarded blog? Don't you realize no one cares?
A: Yes.

Q: Why do you watch such crappy/weird movies?
A: I didn't think I ever admitted to the internets that I have watched White Girls, but I am ashamed and there is no excuse for that type of behavior.

Q: Why are you so paranoid (referencing zombies, the internet plot against the earth, ect)?
A: I'm not paranoid. You're dumb.

On bathrooms and denial

Is there something about being a politician that makes you do stupid stuff and get caught?

I can’t help but believe my theory may have proof from a certain Idaho politician. In another bonehead move from a politician, an Idaho senator was arrested for trying to proposition an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. I won’t go into the obvious stupidity of that move, but I want to talk about his apology.

Craig said, “I’m not gay. I love my wife, I love my family and I love Idaho.”

I can only assume that if you ARE gay you can’t love your wife, family or Idaho, but no one can really blame the gays for the latter.

I’ve never understood why our government can’t just keep it in their pants during their terms. I’d think they were too busy to think about screwing an intern in the oval office or text messaging high school pages, but apparently this county pretty much runs itself.

I’d really like to have someone in office who thinks policy, economics and the general state of the U.S. is more interesting that getting spanked by a hooker wearing a bunny costume at a Hotel 8.

Best or Worst Dialogue Ever?

I thought I'd witnessed the worst dialogue ever in Flash Gordon (for example: Eagleman- "That must be a good planet you got!" Flash. FG- "It's not bad.")

Somehow JWray's suggested movie Sleepaway Camp seems worse. Not only did the mother creep me out in 15 seconds flat, but child molesters in the first 10 minutes had priceless lines.

Young cook chewing on a toothpick in a perverse manner- "Mmmm, look at all that fresh young chicken.... Where I come from we call them baldies. Makes your mouth water doesn't it?"
Old cook- "They're too young to even understand what's on your mind."
YC- "That's the good thing my buddy. There ain't no such thing as too young. You're just too old."
OC- "Huh, huh, huh."

And it gets even better.

Kudos

Thanks go out to all those who joined in the shenanigans last night at Patrick Jay's. I'm so proud of those who decided to try something new. Way to go, champs! Thanks also go out to the Simpson's quote machine. I now have a whole new appreciation for Johnny DeLoretto.

Surprisingly, waking up this morning wasn't as bad as I expected. I hope the morning didn't treat anyone else too bad either. If it did, walk it off.

Swarms of Locust are Coming to Your Area Soon!

There's so much to miss, but things are going well so far.

As for my new town, it looks like Thomas Jefferson's Monticello. It's seriously, distractingly beautiful and the people have been very nice so far.

I guess it's hard to not be nice when you get to go home to your $750,000 home, smoke your fine cigar rolled with parchment paper from the constitution, drink aged whiskey, lay your head on your swan-feather pillow, put on your baby-seal skin sleep mask and go to sleep.

Damn.

In other news, Good Day Columbus is interviewing Gabe Spiegel (unfortunately Johnny DeLoretto is not asking the questions though). Catty comments about his hair aside, I'd be remiss if I didn't day WTF?

News anchors are interviewing news anchors now? I'm a little afraid to look outside. I may see the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

God help us all.

Surfin' USA

From a much deserved vacation at the lake:
1 day swimming and walking on the beach, 6 boat rides, 3 mudslides, 1 trip to Put-in-Bay and no sunburns.

After a smooth ride out to Put-in-Bay in my parents boat, though, winds whipped up the biggest waves I have ever seen on Lake Erie. It felt dangerous just getting on the boat and after some Columbus boaters called us crazy, we took off into 7-8 foot waves.

Some other boats were trying to leave too-- we watched a small cigarette boat go air born and I thought it was going to capsize. After the first wave came over our boat, my mom smartened up and said, "We're turning around."

My mom and I ended up taking the Jet Express back to the shore while my dad stayed with the boat. Some of the passengers screamed as the big fairy was tossed around. I felt like I was in that Walburg movie with the big storm.

I love vacations.

Bundle of Joy??

A lead story on MSNBC boasts the fact that it takes about $290,000 to raise a kid to age 17. As if I needed more reasons to never want to have a child.

I am surprised there is overpopulation. I just can't figure out what would motivate anyone to have a child. First you carrry the little moocher around for nine months as the demon child reeks havoc on your body. Then you wake up every time it cries for a painful feeding and change nasty diapers. You lose your life style and any chance of fun.

As the kid grows up you have to worry about it- Am I raising it right? Am I hugging it enough? Will it turn into a serial killer? Is it getting a good education? Is it doing drugs and having sex? Will it turn out to be a thoughtful, well-rounded person?

And you have to spend $290,000 on it, not even counting college, which you should help out with if you want your kid to have a good life.

Is there really a reason TO have a child? I think not.

Off to the Rodeo

Today is my last day, which is strangely the exact same day I started two years ago. Some are sad, others are waiting till tomorrow for the ticker-tape parade (what am I from 1937 or something?). I have mixed emotions so far.

These are the battles:
Making me happy- The thought of a four-day weekend up at the lake with a trip to Put-In-Bay, envelopes and notebooks and pens galore, no more hair-pulling beats.

Making me sad- Never Say Goodbye was on the radio this morning, giving my stuff away or just tossing it all together, no JD on TV today, no more awesome coworkers and no more stripper Christmas parties.

Odd....

It's strange. I never realized art really does imitate life.
Who knew?

JD Watch

This morning on Good Day Columbus Johnny Deloretto ate doggy ice cream with a dog biscuit.

I can't really make fun of him, I tried an all-natural peanut butter dog treat while interviewing someone once.

Is there nothing this man won't do to humiliate himself? Someone deserves a raise.

Where have all the robots gone?

I don't know if anyone else has realized this, but it's 2007. Really, it is. I wouldn't lie about this.

So seeing as how we're in such an advanced age, where the hell are all the robots? I don't like to take my image of the future from lame movies like AI, but think about Bladerunner or the taxi-driving robots in Total Recall? We really should have robots by now.

An article in Slate says at the government's latest science fair, there are lizard robots that can climb glass and robots that can do operations in the field, but I think we should be much further along than that.

Sure we have the robots that are putting millions of workers out of jobs doing tasks that monkeys could do, but where are the cool robots? Where are the robot nannies and robot cars? I know I'd like a robot to clean my apartment. And who wouldn't love to have their order taken correctly at TBell at 2:30 a.m.?

So join me in telling scientists to get a move on it. I want a robot bartender making me a long island within five years.

Tiny Tidbits, Large Breasts

Last night I was watching Little People, Big World. If anyone still lives in the 1900's and has never even heard of this, it's a reality show about two midget parents who have three normal-sized kids and one midget kid. How cruel fate is. Basically it's your typical, boring reality show made fun by midgets. Is there anything they can't do?

Last night they were trying to get their midget son to stop being shy, so the dad took him to a midget convention. The dad put tons of pressure on the poor kid by saying, "This is where I met your mom and this is where you'll probably meet your wife."

Enter little midget teen with enormous boobs. Seriously. Porn star boobs. I can't quite figure out the dynamics of how she moves without falling forward. I imagine that when she rolls over on her chest at night she wakes up with her lil' midget feet in the air.

So the little midget son worked his lil' man magic and was popular with the midget chicks, including Tits Magee. Oh happy day.

In other oddities, I woke up this morning to a commercial saying, "One day I'll laugh without having to cross my legs."

At first I wondered what silly geese came up with this commercial, but then I began thinking about it. What if you did have to cross your legs every time you laughed so you don't pee a little? What happens when you're walking and you see a child trip and bite the curb? It isn't easy walking and crossing your legs at the same time.

Breaking News!

Paris Hilton says Nicole Richie will be a great mom.

What a relief. I was worried.

Goodbye and thanks for all the fish

G. Jonah's parents say you'll always miss your first real job out of college. I'll reserve judgement for a few months, but I'm pretty sure they're right.

I must admit I nearly got teary-eyed when I informed the Man about my future plans. I won't miss the uncertain feelings that have been floating around as of late, but I imagine I'll never again feel comfortable enough at a workplace to shoot off my big mouth as much as I do now (honestly, where else can you sing the My Buddy commercial at work?).

When I moved to Columbus two years ago, I was a little nervous. The only people I knew in town where two friends of my parents and my ex's BFF. This damn cubicle has given me experience, one ball (I hope to grow the other eventually), a hot-air balloon ride, great friends, G. Jonah and a palate for Central Ohio.

I'd be lying if I said I won't miss smartass emails, pulling pranks on coworkers, Cat Tales discussions, the shrew's hats, paycheck cries and the nest. But I can't have a burial plot in the back next to Teter so I guess it's time to move on.

It's been fun. Best of luck to all the other slaves.

Albuquerque

This lucky girl went to the Weird Al concert at the state fair last night...

I guess I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, although I must admit (as pointed out by G. Jonah) I've never seen so many men with pony tails in one place. I forgot that state fairs are pretty much white trash central and last night was no exception. Mullets, tye-dyed clowns on stilts and B.O. were plentiful, but they didn't ruin the concert.

I got dragged to the concert by G. Jonah, but it was actually entertaining. Weird Al has a great show, with lots of costume changes, short songs (with the exception of that Albuquerque monstrosity) and funny videos. It's a great show for the short attention spanned.

I was in awe when Weird Al showed up on the stage in a fat suit for Fat. After about a two-minute costume change, he lumbered out looking like something out of those God-awful Eddie Murphy movies. He even had the multiple chins, which I think is amazing considering the short time and extreme temperatures.

All in all it was an entertaining experience and I was truly able to appreciate air conditioning when it was through.

Call me Bubblegirl

I went to the Irish festival and it was fun, but I have one thing to say- windmill.

Seems strange. Windmills aren't Irish. I'm pretty sure they're Netherlandish.

My point is I wanted to do the windmill and knock out everyone in my personal space. There were too many people. I honestly felt like I was in Japan again, on a train at rush hour.

I'm beginning to sound like A. Wilfred Brimley. Time to go eat oatmeal.

I'm a 10-year-old Boy

I keep on seeing commercials for this Walking with Dinosaurs thing at the Schott and I get so excited every time I see it. I'm a little embarrassed that I think it's so cool. It's just big, life-sized robot dinosaurs.

But even that description makes me want to buy tickets to every show.

I really would cough up the $40 to go, but the thought of all those children make my sphincter tighten. That arena is going to be crawling with dirty, loud, misbehaving kids and their soulless parents (Yes, soulless. Didn't you know that's what children do? They swallow your soul!). I can't imagine sitting in a crowded arena with sticky, stinky children and screaming out of their little koolaid-stained mouths.

Ick. I just threw up a little.

If only the show was based on the dino robots eating children. I would pay $500 to go.

But instead it's an education, family experience. Booooo. I want adult-only seating with booze and hookers.

They're after me pot'o gold!

Today's Good Day Columbus marked my favorite so far.

While doing a segment on the Irish Festival a Leprechaun appeared in the background and Johnny D decided to chase it. Other critics said "They've lost what little credibility they ever had," but I wondered how that segment was born. I have two possible scenarios in my mind:

1.) Upper level management: What do you think of when you think of the Irish?
Yes man: Beer?
Upper LM: No, no.... Leprechauns! That's it!
Yes Man: Yes, perfect. We'll have Johnny interview Leprechauns!
Upper LM: No, no. That's not Johnny. We'll have him harass and annoy one!
Yes Man: Isn't that the same thing?

-Or-

2.) Upper LM: Johnny, you're reporting on the Dublin Irish festival Thursday.
JD: Ooooo, I hope I see a Leprechaun!
Upper LM: Johnny, there's not such thing as Leprechauns.
JD: Yes there are! And if I can't have one I'm not going! *proceeds to fall on floor and kick and pound in temper tantrum*

Who knows, what really happened, but that segment made my day.