Lemmings

I wanted to see No Country for Old Men when I saw the preview. But after I heard from actual people that it was good, like a lemming, I scurried off to the movie.

I'm not at all saying I didn't like it. I liked it a lot. But when I left the movie, I felt like my soul had been gang raped. Repeatedly. Again, I'm not saying it wasn't entertaining or even a good movie, but it was depressing as hell. I liked the gory parts, but like the typical movie-going lemmings **Spoiler coming, folks** I was a little disappointed that most of the likable characters(especially the guy who started his career with the Goonies) died.

I watched another depressing movie the next day called Zombie Honeymoon. I thought a friend had seen it and liked it (he hasn't watched it yet) and the box said it was funny.

They lied. It was sad. It did not make me laugh as advertised, in fact, it made me cry.

What the hell is with all the depressing movies??? Is Hollywood trying to get rid of middle America by depressing them and making everyone off themselves?

I'm on to you, Hollywood...

What kind of facial are we talking about here?

I just found out (thanks to Opie and Anthony) that my Cetaphil face wash is used as fake spunk on porno sets.

Does this mean I have to change my daily facial cleanser?

Also, for those of you not lucky enough to witness the hijinks's of my favorite Columbus TV news personality this week, you've missed: Johnny DiLoretto risking his life by taking a mixture of pop rocks and soda. OMG!
On Wednesday he was paired with the hacky radio hosts on the Brew. I think they had a douche-off.

I'm thinking a movie deal, or a book at least.

TV News does it again

This morning the Dispatch did something good. They poked fun at the local TV news stations for blowing today's "snow storm" out of proportion. It was well done, they talked about how to do it right and how to do it wrong.

I haven't seen other stations respond, but 10TV clearly took offense to the story. They did their own little segment on the Dispatch's story -- said they were right on and even talked to people on the street about what they thought about the coverage.

And then the dumb broad on the news had to say, "Just setting the story straight."

How about you just say, we can't take a joke or we don't like constructive criticism?

Make room in the trophy case

I hate to sound like Jerry Seinfeld but what’s up with all these series? The Dispatch has gone ape shit lately with series (is someone trying to catch up for contest season??).

It started out with the ABC's of Betrayal, which would have been a good series had they focused more on reporting news rather than making it.

The baby series that made me want to retch followed. I’ll admit it—I don’t like babies and I didn’t read the series at all. But is a seven-day series on a baby who’s been in the hospital forever with whogivesashit disease really necessary?

Now Fighting Fakes is gracing the pages and to be honest I thought it was an AP series at first. Is this series really worth it to foot the bill for a reporter’s trip to Thailand ?


Nope. I really tried to read it with the fact that it must have been an expensive piece to write so it may be worth it in my mind. But I completely lost interest by the fourth paragraph.

Is the Dispatch really trying to drum up pity for clothing companies? REALLY? I know my heart goes out to the multi-billion dollar companies who outsource and then charge ridiculous amounts of money for their clothes. I weep for them.


Couldn’t the money and manpower that went into this series be better spent elsewhere, on a more local subject? What about all the crime in Columbus ? What about the overcrowding in jails? I’m sure there are several better subjects the Dispatch could make news on, rather than burrowing a tunnel up the ass of A&F.

This series almost makes me long for the time of “You Have Cancer.”

Survival of the fittest missed one

Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive. Not really because I lead a dangerous and exciting life, but more because I am a complete dolt.

I've been completing adults tasks lately, insurance and banking stuff, so I decided I'd continue being responsible and get an outlet that hasn't worked for a few months fixed.

When I got home from work today, I was greeted by an embarrassing note. I called the repairman to my apartment so he could tell me the light switch across the room controls the outlet and it had been switched off.

I is smart.

Today on my fav morning show....

While doing a spot at the State House this morning for the tree lighting, Johnny DiLoretto said something to the effect of, “You think I’m just a silly guy who runs around and does things, but I am interviewing House Speaker Jon Husted.”

Good point, JD.

However, you may want to think about the questions you asked Husted before going all Woodward and Bernstein on our asses.

The hard-hitting questions JD threw at our House Speaker were: How do you celebrate the holidays? Is it hard to get together with family to celebrate during the holidays?


Wow, way to throw those curve balls, JD. Get ready for your Pulitzer.

In other Good Day Columbus news, Kent Justice (who may have the best name ever and could totally be a superhero when he's not on TV) interviewed Jennifer Garner while JD made a gingerbread house yesterday.

I couldn't think of more appropriate assignments.

Freedom! And Puffs Plus

I've been fighting my own personal cold war for going on six days now. It started off on Sunday when those red commie bastards snuck into my body and slowly started to sabotage me with a sore throat and too much coughing.

Today I've nearly combated the sore throat, but now they're tormenting me with more coughing, sinus pain and mucus. I'll teach them though. I've aimed nuclear weapons at them and I'm sending in spies.

If that doesn't work I don't know what I'll do, but I will tear this wall down.

I really need a history lesson.

The perfect villain

Watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade recently, I came to a realization... Nazis really are the perfect villains. They're brutal, hold crazy beliefs and are completely unlikeable (I mean think about the whole Jew thing).

Sure they're often good looking people -- you really can't go wrong with blond hair and blue
eyes -- but they're intolerant of pretty much everyone, stupid and completely evil. They also have ridiculous accents and clothes. And the way they goosestep is just plain silly.

It's enjoyable to see Indiana Jones kick so much Nazi ass and no matter how much abuse they take you never feel sorry for them, because you can't really relate to people who oppressed so many while following a short, angry man with a booger of a moustache.

I have no words...

I just heard on the TV that Johnny DeLoretto will be getting a tattoo on air tomorrow morning.

He never ceases to amaze me.

I have seen the greatest minds of our generation fall – or mostly just my own brain succumbing to TV cancer.

I had to deal with the Diary of Anne Frank recently and my only thoughts were, “Oh, I learned about that in high school.”

Only when I actually started working on it did I realize it wasn't the story of the deaf, blind and mute girl, it was the tale of a Jewish girl who had to hide from the Nazis in a crowded attic.


Mostly I blame Kevin Smith for this monumental mistake. When I saw Clerks 2 and Randall confused Helen Keller and Anne Frank, I thought it was silly.

Only after I made the same mistake did I realize my brain has something severely wrong with it which most likely is a result of watching too many movies.


I watched and read the Diary of Anne Frank in school. Can one movie really undo 12 years of public school education?

I guess so.

Open bar, dude!

When I was little getting together with my cousin from Indiana was the most tolerable family reunions. My sister was the oldest, my cousin a year younger and I was two years behind him. We got along well.

We would listen to Great White on a tape recorder in my grandpa’s basement as we tried to make stink bombs with our chemistry sets. We also set up plays to lure my uncle from Idaho into the basement so we could tie him up. My cousin wasn’t much a boy scout though, because our uncle would always free himself as we were plundering his suitcase and we would pay for our treachery through wet willies until our uncle flew back to Idaho.

We always had to sit together at the “kids table” during these visits but it wasn’t bad because we would throw things, lament on the terrible food and hollow out dinner rolls to clean our plates.

A decade later, it’s nice to know some things never change.

At my step-cousin’s wedding last weekend my sister and her husband, cousin and his wife, and G. Jonah and I got sat at the kid’s table with two sixth-graders.

We listened to their sixth-grade woes and gave advice: “You broke up with your girlfriend because she punched you in the spine and now she wants to get back together? Tell her talk to the fist cause the face is pissed,” or “Your best friend likes the boy you used to like? Stab her.”

Then we stole a bottle of Champaign from an empty table, talked about things our parents will never know (can we say a trip to Texas five years ago?), and decided to take advantage of the open bar by seeing how many liquor glasses we could collect on our table.

I must say that kind of stability is comforting.

Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones!

I love the Indiana Jones trilogy and I'm looking forward to the new one (as long as they don't screw it up), but Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom takes the cake.

Sure I love the Nazis, Sean Connery and Elsa in the other movies, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the dinner sequence with Snake Surprise, roasted cockroach, eyeball soup and chilled monkey brain ("Ahhh, desert!").

I also enjoy Willie and Short Round for comic relief and I love the part where the voodoo man rips the heart out with his bare hands, I used to try that as a child.

Can't wait for the early bird

I have long dreaded middle age, but old age doesn't seem so bad. I often see old people swearing at service workers, driving slow and getting cheap stuff, but today I saw what could be the best thing about getting old.

Only senior citizens can ride their bike to Kroger at 2 p.m. on a Monday dressed in a polo shirt and pajama pants to buy a big jug of cheap vodka and a tub of cole slaw.

Sometimes I love old people.

Another reason to never visit SF

San Francisco just got a little worse. Not only do they provide the most money for the homeless, but now they are looking into a facility where medical workers supervise drug addicts as they shoot up.

I’ve been called a ‘cold-hearted conservative,’ but this plan is ludicrous. Why should medical personnel supervise illegal activity? Not only does the plan condone drug use, but it pretty much says, "The drug problem can never be solved. Let’s give up. And while we’re at it, why don’t we take away the fear of overdose that may keep some from doing drugs? Brilliant!"

The city already hosts a clean needle program which seems like a complete waste of tax-payer money, and advocates of the plan say the facility will decrease the amount of overdoses.

But I think fear has already done that. According to the AP’s story, “the number of deaths linked to overdoses has declined from a high of about 160 in 1995 to 40 in 2004…”

There are no such facilities in the U.S., but one in Vancouver reports that there have been 800 overdoses so far, but no deaths.

Good for them for preventing deaths, but if someone needs drugs bad enough to go to one of these places, they’re not going to go there every time they need to shoot up. These facilities are only perpetuating the problem.The money spent on this facility could be much better spent getting drugs off the street.

These bleeding-heart liberals who so value choice need to realize these people chose to do drugs and also chose to deal with the risks associated.

Todd for prez

Call me crazy but I’d like to see what Bill Todd could do as Columbus Mayor. I know it’s not going to happen, but I honestly believe it would be an amusing four years.

If elected Todd says he will take over Columbus City Schools and fight crime. I’d like to see that, especially if he wears a cape while doing so.

When I was in high school I was constantly amused by the antics of Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbinder. While in office this man threw a coffee mug at his secretary, got in a shouting match with another politician and suggested that the city move all the deaf people to the neighborhoods around the airport because they can’t hear the planes landing and taking off.

It may have been an unproductive term, but it was amusing. Toledo constantly made the national news for all the stupid moves Carty made.

And just a FYI, a few years later Toledo again voted Carty into office. The city may suck, but they know the value of having an amusing mayor.

Another rant

Some lawyer is suing apple for $1 million because she bought the i-phone when it came out for an unreasonable price and three months later they discounted the phone by $200.

I’m hoping that when she goes to court (if that even happens) the judge says, “Boo hoo. Apple will pay this whiner a quarter so she can call someone who gives a shit.”

I know America is the land of frivolous law suits, but this is getting ridiculous. Did this whiny dolt miss the memo that all other consumers have that says products get cheaper the longer they have been out?

I know $200 is a big price reduction in a couple months time, but if this lady is sooo strapped for money perhaps she should have waited to get an i-phone until apple had the technical and financial bugs worked out.

$1 million is an awfully steep price tag to put on all the suffering this poor stingy soul has likely been through. If this chintzy broad gets any money, I hope it’s only the $200 she would have saved had she not been a greedy sheep who has to have the latest trend now. And hopefully the $200 she gets will be paid towards the $500 she owes in fees to an already over-taxed court system.

Walk along the razor's edge...

I was listening to Push It To the Limit at work— the song made popular by Scarface. It plays when Al Pachino is accumulating great wealth from dealing drugs and buying a tiger for his backyard. You know, the sort of things any Bill Gates does when he makes his first million.

The music accompanies a kickass, typical 80’s montage. I strongly believe it inspired the Montage song in Team America.

So I was picturing my own montage. I’m working hard, getting things done, kicking ass and taking names. And then I realized how boring a montage of someone sitting in front of a computer and talking on the phone would be.

Life is cruel.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

For a while this week my life rhymed.

I had a sty in my eye.

Sure it rhymes, but it wasn’t the sweet life portrayed in Dr. Seuss books. It was a bitch. Who was dead in a ditch.

Sorry I can’t help myself. I love to rhyme.

My boyfriend in college got sties in his eyes sometimes. He would put a hot cloth on his eye while his roommates and I watched the Discovery channel, did drugs or went on a gambling spree in Vegas. His eye would get red and swollen and made him look like he let my dinner get cold.

Sty time was fun for me, but not for him.

Perhaps it was karma that put the big, painful zit-looking sty on the edge of my eyelid this week, but the pain only lasted for a day.

So I must not be that bad of a person…. That or I’ve grown very adept at tempting karma.

Bring it on bitch.

The juice is back

As if I needed any reasons to love Slate more, here comes the best story on that lovable scamp OJ: If I Robbed Him: That Son-Of-A-Bitch Is Lucky To Be Alive After He Stole My Damn Souvenirs.

The entire situation is ridiculous, but Slate effortlessly chugs through the mind of the Juice--

On the killings of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson: "That killing Nicole and that Goldman dude back in 1994, who were really asking for it, not that I'm saying I did it, but if I did do it then it wasn't that big a deal, she had it coming, that no-good blood-sucking c—"

On the armed robbery being recorded: "Way I see it, the tape is a good news/bad news thing. It's good news because I don't have to go all fuzzy in this book like I did in If I Did It about what happened when my explosive rage crossed the line into criminality.
Uh, if it crossed into criminality. Which it didn't."

Keep up the good work Slate. My random laughing is really starting to creep out my coworkers.

Shameless Plug

This is for all you punkasses out there who haven't read G. Jonah's column on International Talk Like A Pirate Day. http://www.snponline.com/articles/2007/09/13/hilliard_northwest_news/opinion/allbishopc_20070912_0250pm_2.txt

I can appreciate the complete dorkiness exhibited in this little column, but I cannot condone that smirk....

Johnny "Birdman" DiLoretto

Within 5 minutes of Good Day Columbus kicking off this morning, Johnny DiLoretto was being mocked by a big green bird. Not a parrot, a big green bird because JD is not cool enough to be mocked by a parrot.

Every time JD talked the bird started mumbling along with him and when JD laughed the bird used the most annoying guffaw. JD even went to far as to threaten the bird.

OK, maybe the bird wasn't mocking JD, but they shared a similar stage presence. Perhaps the Columbus News Center should consider booting JD for the bird.

Dumpster babies

This story in Slate is both inspiring and brilliant. http://www.slate.com/id/2173458/nav/tap1/

Now I have an excuse other than my own selfishness for never having kids-- being green.

Perhaps one day I will run for political office with the platform of solving all the world's problems by decreasing the population.... It would kind of work and leave less people for me to be annoyed with.

Pure genuis.

Hug it out bitch

My life is sad, but I'm watching season 3 of the Office and wondering how I went the entire summer without it.

I know some charlatans think the British version is better, but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing better than the mass awkwardness caused by Michael Scott and the complete assery of Dwight.

And who can forget the creepiness of Creed? "I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing."

When it goes off the air I'm thinking mass suicide or possibly the coming of the apocalypse.

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

The G-Shot should have more to do with G-Force

I have recently been scarred by a Dispatch article on vaginal surgeries. I understand the need to remove tumors and that sort of thing, but this story talks about surgeries such as, “procedures to tighten the vaginal opening, decrease labia size and shoot collagen into the G-spot, an area of the vaginal wall thought to be highly sensitive.”

WTF?

Who came up with this stuff? Wouldn’t a doctor’s or researcher’s time be better spent finding a cure for cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease or Alzheimer’s?

I began wondering who would even get this type of surgery, but I already know the answer—dumb holes who didn’t get hugged enough by their daddies who pay $500,000 for bigger boobs, lips and a tighter butt.

I guess wherever stupid people are willing to spend their money, greedy doctors will find a way to get it.

And they say our society has lost its finesse*.

It has.

*Five points to anyone who can tell me where that quote comes from.

Grow a pair, Holbrook

I’m disappointed that former OSU president Holbrook apologized and took back her comments about OSU. I guess it was a trite thing to say at a job interview unless she was trying to show that she can handle hooligans on campus.

I don’t think a big deal should be made out of her comments, though, because most of the behavior she talked about happens. Maybe she exaggerated a little bit on the whole “culture of rioting” thing, but riots do happen at OSU and I think that’s unacceptable.

Sure, it was funny the first time it happened after I moved here, but sometimes I’m a little ashamed to admit I live in Columbus because Buckeye fans here are obnoxious, violent and annoying and people know it.

I understand cheering for/supporting a team, but the fans around Columbus take it over the edge. I mean come on people, it’s only football. And to be frank it's getting a little annoying.

Your Questions Answered

Due to an overwhelming response from readers, fans and stalkers, I decided to answer some of the many questions I receive from adoring fans each day. So go wild.

Q: Where did your blogs name come from?
A: A line from Lenny in a Simpson's episode. I really couldn't think of anything else.

Q: What's with your zombie obsession?
A: It's not an obsession, I'm preparing for the day the zombies come. And I'm hoping you all learn valuable lessons for that day from me, such as- Make yourself a duct tape suit to wear when the zombies come. It's really hard to bite through it.

Q: Why do you keep posting on this retarded blog? Don't you realize no one cares?
A: Yes.

Q: Why do you watch such crappy/weird movies?
A: I didn't think I ever admitted to the internets that I have watched White Girls, but I am ashamed and there is no excuse for that type of behavior.

Q: Why are you so paranoid (referencing zombies, the internet plot against the earth, ect)?
A: I'm not paranoid. You're dumb.

On bathrooms and denial

Is there something about being a politician that makes you do stupid stuff and get caught?

I can’t help but believe my theory may have proof from a certain Idaho politician. In another bonehead move from a politician, an Idaho senator was arrested for trying to proposition an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. I won’t go into the obvious stupidity of that move, but I want to talk about his apology.

Craig said, “I’m not gay. I love my wife, I love my family and I love Idaho.”

I can only assume that if you ARE gay you can’t love your wife, family or Idaho, but no one can really blame the gays for the latter.

I’ve never understood why our government can’t just keep it in their pants during their terms. I’d think they were too busy to think about screwing an intern in the oval office or text messaging high school pages, but apparently this county pretty much runs itself.

I’d really like to have someone in office who thinks policy, economics and the general state of the U.S. is more interesting that getting spanked by a hooker wearing a bunny costume at a Hotel 8.

Best or Worst Dialogue Ever?

I thought I'd witnessed the worst dialogue ever in Flash Gordon (for example: Eagleman- "That must be a good planet you got!" Flash. FG- "It's not bad.")

Somehow JWray's suggested movie Sleepaway Camp seems worse. Not only did the mother creep me out in 15 seconds flat, but child molesters in the first 10 minutes had priceless lines.

Young cook chewing on a toothpick in a perverse manner- "Mmmm, look at all that fresh young chicken.... Where I come from we call them baldies. Makes your mouth water doesn't it?"
Old cook- "They're too young to even understand what's on your mind."
YC- "That's the good thing my buddy. There ain't no such thing as too young. You're just too old."
OC- "Huh, huh, huh."

And it gets even better.

Kudos

Thanks go out to all those who joined in the shenanigans last night at Patrick Jay's. I'm so proud of those who decided to try something new. Way to go, champs! Thanks also go out to the Simpson's quote machine. I now have a whole new appreciation for Johnny DeLoretto.

Surprisingly, waking up this morning wasn't as bad as I expected. I hope the morning didn't treat anyone else too bad either. If it did, walk it off.

Swarms of Locust are Coming to Your Area Soon!

There's so much to miss, but things are going well so far.

As for my new town, it looks like Thomas Jefferson's Monticello. It's seriously, distractingly beautiful and the people have been very nice so far.

I guess it's hard to not be nice when you get to go home to your $750,000 home, smoke your fine cigar rolled with parchment paper from the constitution, drink aged whiskey, lay your head on your swan-feather pillow, put on your baby-seal skin sleep mask and go to sleep.

Damn.

In other news, Good Day Columbus is interviewing Gabe Spiegel (unfortunately Johnny DeLoretto is not asking the questions though). Catty comments about his hair aside, I'd be remiss if I didn't day WTF?

News anchors are interviewing news anchors now? I'm a little afraid to look outside. I may see the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

God help us all.

Surfin' USA

From a much deserved vacation at the lake:
1 day swimming and walking on the beach, 6 boat rides, 3 mudslides, 1 trip to Put-in-Bay and no sunburns.

After a smooth ride out to Put-in-Bay in my parents boat, though, winds whipped up the biggest waves I have ever seen on Lake Erie. It felt dangerous just getting on the boat and after some Columbus boaters called us crazy, we took off into 7-8 foot waves.

Some other boats were trying to leave too-- we watched a small cigarette boat go air born and I thought it was going to capsize. After the first wave came over our boat, my mom smartened up and said, "We're turning around."

My mom and I ended up taking the Jet Express back to the shore while my dad stayed with the boat. Some of the passengers screamed as the big fairy was tossed around. I felt like I was in that Walburg movie with the big storm.

I love vacations.

Bundle of Joy??

A lead story on MSNBC boasts the fact that it takes about $290,000 to raise a kid to age 17. As if I needed more reasons to never want to have a child.

I am surprised there is overpopulation. I just can't figure out what would motivate anyone to have a child. First you carrry the little moocher around for nine months as the demon child reeks havoc on your body. Then you wake up every time it cries for a painful feeding and change nasty diapers. You lose your life style and any chance of fun.

As the kid grows up you have to worry about it- Am I raising it right? Am I hugging it enough? Will it turn into a serial killer? Is it getting a good education? Is it doing drugs and having sex? Will it turn out to be a thoughtful, well-rounded person?

And you have to spend $290,000 on it, not even counting college, which you should help out with if you want your kid to have a good life.

Is there really a reason TO have a child? I think not.

Off to the Rodeo

Today is my last day, which is strangely the exact same day I started two years ago. Some are sad, others are waiting till tomorrow for the ticker-tape parade (what am I from 1937 or something?). I have mixed emotions so far.

These are the battles:
Making me happy- The thought of a four-day weekend up at the lake with a trip to Put-In-Bay, envelopes and notebooks and pens galore, no more hair-pulling beats.

Making me sad- Never Say Goodbye was on the radio this morning, giving my stuff away or just tossing it all together, no JD on TV today, no more awesome coworkers and no more stripper Christmas parties.

Odd....

It's strange. I never realized art really does imitate life.
Who knew?

JD Watch

This morning on Good Day Columbus Johnny Deloretto ate doggy ice cream with a dog biscuit.

I can't really make fun of him, I tried an all-natural peanut butter dog treat while interviewing someone once.

Is there nothing this man won't do to humiliate himself? Someone deserves a raise.

Where have all the robots gone?

I don't know if anyone else has realized this, but it's 2007. Really, it is. I wouldn't lie about this.

So seeing as how we're in such an advanced age, where the hell are all the robots? I don't like to take my image of the future from lame movies like AI, but think about Bladerunner or the taxi-driving robots in Total Recall? We really should have robots by now.

An article in Slate says at the government's latest science fair, there are lizard robots that can climb glass and robots that can do operations in the field, but I think we should be much further along than that.

Sure we have the robots that are putting millions of workers out of jobs doing tasks that monkeys could do, but where are the cool robots? Where are the robot nannies and robot cars? I know I'd like a robot to clean my apartment. And who wouldn't love to have their order taken correctly at TBell at 2:30 a.m.?

So join me in telling scientists to get a move on it. I want a robot bartender making me a long island within five years.

Tiny Tidbits, Large Breasts

Last night I was watching Little People, Big World. If anyone still lives in the 1900's and has never even heard of this, it's a reality show about two midget parents who have three normal-sized kids and one midget kid. How cruel fate is. Basically it's your typical, boring reality show made fun by midgets. Is there anything they can't do?

Last night they were trying to get their midget son to stop being shy, so the dad took him to a midget convention. The dad put tons of pressure on the poor kid by saying, "This is where I met your mom and this is where you'll probably meet your wife."

Enter little midget teen with enormous boobs. Seriously. Porn star boobs. I can't quite figure out the dynamics of how she moves without falling forward. I imagine that when she rolls over on her chest at night she wakes up with her lil' midget feet in the air.

So the little midget son worked his lil' man magic and was popular with the midget chicks, including Tits Magee. Oh happy day.

In other oddities, I woke up this morning to a commercial saying, "One day I'll laugh without having to cross my legs."

At first I wondered what silly geese came up with this commercial, but then I began thinking about it. What if you did have to cross your legs every time you laughed so you don't pee a little? What happens when you're walking and you see a child trip and bite the curb? It isn't easy walking and crossing your legs at the same time.

Breaking News!

Paris Hilton says Nicole Richie will be a great mom.

What a relief. I was worried.

Goodbye and thanks for all the fish

G. Jonah's parents say you'll always miss your first real job out of college. I'll reserve judgement for a few months, but I'm pretty sure they're right.

I must admit I nearly got teary-eyed when I informed the Man about my future plans. I won't miss the uncertain feelings that have been floating around as of late, but I imagine I'll never again feel comfortable enough at a workplace to shoot off my big mouth as much as I do now (honestly, where else can you sing the My Buddy commercial at work?).

When I moved to Columbus two years ago, I was a little nervous. The only people I knew in town where two friends of my parents and my ex's BFF. This damn cubicle has given me experience, one ball (I hope to grow the other eventually), a hot-air balloon ride, great friends, G. Jonah and a palate for Central Ohio.

I'd be lying if I said I won't miss smartass emails, pulling pranks on coworkers, Cat Tales discussions, the shrew's hats, paycheck cries and the nest. But I can't have a burial plot in the back next to Teter so I guess it's time to move on.

It's been fun. Best of luck to all the other slaves.

Albuquerque

This lucky girl went to the Weird Al concert at the state fair last night...

I guess I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, although I must admit (as pointed out by G. Jonah) I've never seen so many men with pony tails in one place. I forgot that state fairs are pretty much white trash central and last night was no exception. Mullets, tye-dyed clowns on stilts and B.O. were plentiful, but they didn't ruin the concert.

I got dragged to the concert by G. Jonah, but it was actually entertaining. Weird Al has a great show, with lots of costume changes, short songs (with the exception of that Albuquerque monstrosity) and funny videos. It's a great show for the short attention spanned.

I was in awe when Weird Al showed up on the stage in a fat suit for Fat. After about a two-minute costume change, he lumbered out looking like something out of those God-awful Eddie Murphy movies. He even had the multiple chins, which I think is amazing considering the short time and extreme temperatures.

All in all it was an entertaining experience and I was truly able to appreciate air conditioning when it was through.

Call me Bubblegirl

I went to the Irish festival and it was fun, but I have one thing to say- windmill.

Seems strange. Windmills aren't Irish. I'm pretty sure they're Netherlandish.

My point is I wanted to do the windmill and knock out everyone in my personal space. There were too many people. I honestly felt like I was in Japan again, on a train at rush hour.

I'm beginning to sound like A. Wilfred Brimley. Time to go eat oatmeal.

I'm a 10-year-old Boy

I keep on seeing commercials for this Walking with Dinosaurs thing at the Schott and I get so excited every time I see it. I'm a little embarrassed that I think it's so cool. It's just big, life-sized robot dinosaurs.

But even that description makes me want to buy tickets to every show.

I really would cough up the $40 to go, but the thought of all those children make my sphincter tighten. That arena is going to be crawling with dirty, loud, misbehaving kids and their soulless parents (Yes, soulless. Didn't you know that's what children do? They swallow your soul!). I can't imagine sitting in a crowded arena with sticky, stinky children and screaming out of their little koolaid-stained mouths.

Ick. I just threw up a little.

If only the show was based on the dino robots eating children. I would pay $500 to go.

But instead it's an education, family experience. Booooo. I want adult-only seating with booze and hookers.

They're after me pot'o gold!

Today's Good Day Columbus marked my favorite so far.

While doing a segment on the Irish Festival a Leprechaun appeared in the background and Johnny D decided to chase it. Other critics said "They've lost what little credibility they ever had," but I wondered how that segment was born. I have two possible scenarios in my mind:

1.) Upper level management: What do you think of when you think of the Irish?
Yes man: Beer?
Upper LM: No, no.... Leprechauns! That's it!
Yes Man: Yes, perfect. We'll have Johnny interview Leprechauns!
Upper LM: No, no. That's not Johnny. We'll have him harass and annoy one!
Yes Man: Isn't that the same thing?

-Or-

2.) Upper LM: Johnny, you're reporting on the Dublin Irish festival Thursday.
JD: Ooooo, I hope I see a Leprechaun!
Upper LM: Johnny, there's not such thing as Leprechauns.
JD: Yes there are! And if I can't have one I'm not going! *proceeds to fall on floor and kick and pound in temper tantrum*

Who knows, what really happened, but that segment made my day.

These Boots are Made for Walking and I Really Don't Have a Choice

Most of my Sunday was spent in Fort Seneca (snuggled in the corn fields between Fremont and Tiffin) standing beside my overheated car. My drive from Port Clinton was cut short when my car overheated.

I've never had a problem like that before, G. Jonah figured it was a need for coolant, so we braved the tough streets of Fort Seneca and waited 50 minutes for my parents to rescue us. The streets really weren't so mean, just deserted. In the town of about 50 homes, 5 people stopped by to ask if we needed help.

When I left my home town of Wauseon (population 7,000) I swore off small towns forever. But Fort Seneca made me remember that there is something positive to be said for small towns-- People are friendly and willing to lend you tools or give you a ride to the closest gas station about 15 minutes away.

My parents arrived before a sunburn set in and found my vehicular problems were much more expensive than coolant. The verdict is out, but early predictions say I blew a head gasket. I don't even know how you blow a head gasket but it sounds expensive.

I guess things could be worse. One good Samaritan (whose yard my car is still probably in) said it was a good thing I stopped when I did. I didn't blow the engine or warp the head (whatever that it) so I don't need a new car.

So this week I'm going to be a hippie and walk everywhere and lecture everyone on the evils of depending on foreign oil and global warming.

But as soon as I get my car back I'm driving everywhere, staring with a trip to my mailbox.

RIP

Condolenses go out to all victims of black Thursday and the resulting fallout of Sewage Friday. If comfort can be offered it will most likely come in the form of gunfire out at the farm next weekend amidst booze and peanutbutter ice cream.

In other sad news, my Happy Sunshine Foundation funds remain at $0. Please send me donations. I can think of no better way to wash away this week's drudgery than firing a cannon off the cliffs of my sunburned tropical island. You all can come and enjoy the show, but I warn you the boat has sprung a leak and the dolphins aren't always dependable for a ride.

Some things never die, like Mick Jagger

I haven't seen it yet, but I've been reading all these negative reviews for The Simpsons movie. Everyone is saying this movie is coming out 10 years too late or The Simpsons has lost its panache. What do I say to that? Worst. Review. Ever.

Sure everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I'll take this opportunity to show mine.

This movie was going to come sooner or later. Why not now, during a summer movie season that's sucking (with the exceptions of Knocked Up and Super Bad)? Sure I sometimes get annoyed with some of the new shows that are a bit too liberal for me, but the Simpsons is still entertaining and engaging.

As pointed out in one review, Homer is getting a bit more mean and stupid, but I think its funny. The show is evolving with time. Mr. Burns is getting more evil, Smithers more gay and Ralphie more screen time. Sure it will never be as good as it was in the 90's, but that's no reason to dog the show or not see the movie.

Anyway, how you can not see a movie with Spider Pig in it? It's almost a sin.

I see, hear and experience things that make me wonder about humanity every day.

It amazes me what people will tell a total stranger with a trusting and kind manner. What amazes me even more is the way people treat each other whether they be strangers, acquaintances, friends or even family. It depresses me that I'm often on the receiving end of the shitty treatment. I'm not exactly the world's toilet, but I am beginning to ponder the price of a porcelain hat.

Some days I want to pull a Henry David Thoreau and go live in the wilderness, but that would make me a hippie and we can't have that. Other days I consider developing agoraphobia, but I'd get bored.

So here's my plan: Please send money to the Happy Sunshine Foundation. With the proceeds I'll buy an island in the Caribbean or South Pacific and become the mighty dictator. I'd promise all the donors a place on my island, but you may annoy or piss me off, so I'll fore go any empty promises.

If you stay on my good side, though, welcome. You'll be the one I send on the beer and food run. But don't forget my DVDs or you are so gone.

Hi, I'm Chris Hensen from Dateline

Sure, that catch line sends any pedophile into sweaty shakes and most law-abiding citizens into rapt attention. Dateline's To Catch a Predator series has been on for a couple years, striking fear into the hearts of pervs and serving as the ultimate Punked for the rest of society.

The legality of the show has been questioned constantly, but the underlying theme remains: Don't solicit sex from kiddies on the internet*. It's not harmless. It's real and you will get caught.

A couple months ago the show caught a Texas assistant county prosecutor having sexually explicit conversations with a decoy posing as a 13-year-old boy. He didn't show up to the home Dateline set up so police and Dateline cameras went to his home to make an arrest. Realizing he had been caught, the guy shot himself.

I assume this man was guilty. A reaction like that warrants that kind of speculation. But now his sister is suing Dateline for $105 million, claiming that Dateline took over the role of police and didn't protect her brother.

"She said her brother was unable to defend himself when police, NBC employees and associates swarmed his yard, creating a relationship between NBC and her brother similar to the relationship a prison guard has with an inmate," the AP reported.

What a load of crap. This man was a public servant and he realized he'd been caught. This life-ruining crime was too much for this man to fess up to and he took the easiest way out.

Simple as that. Hopefully the jury will see this as another pointless lawsuit. After all $105 million will not bring this lady's brother back and it won't make him less of a perv.

* A note to readers: Soliciting sex from kiddies everywhere is wrong, not just on the internets.

Hippies In Sppppaaaccccce

A top story for MSNBC today is a space walk in which astronauts littered. Surprisingly, the liberal media took a light-hearted approach and isn't harping on the whole littering thing. But it got me thinking, is littering bad in space?

There's more space for the litter to go and I liken it to littering in Kansas-- no one really cares, because no one's there.

Following that train of thought gets me to my first get-rich-quick scheme: a toxic landfill on the moon. Why not? Nothing else is there.

Who would care?

Greenpeace, that's who.

I'm just guessing on the group. Maybe the Sierra Club would create a space branch, but I'm pretty sure a landfill on the moon would piss some hippie off. Perhaps I could launch moon rocks at their inflatable space craft when they come protest.

Could anything be more fun than seeing a hippie suffocate in space Total Recall style?

What can I say? I'm a sociopath

I strongly considered adding a paper bag to my wardrobe today, but after cutting out eye holes I realized a brown-paper bag isn't really business casual.

Apologies go out to all who have been victims of the following behavior: violation of personal space, repetition of the same story or phrase, harassment (physical, sexual and verbal) and my personal favorite narcissism. Special apologies go out to G. Jonah, the jukebox at Bob's and the Grove City White Castle.

You'd think a glass of water down the front of the pants would have a much more humbling effect.

I don't regret the comments on the facial hair of Lord Thomas the Severe, though. He had a nicely trimmed handle-bar moustache that made me think of Sam Elliot. You'd think White Castle would require a hair net for that thing.

So let's all smother our embarrassment with a theoretical pillow and start anew. Unless I said or did something nice. Remember that because it so rarely comes around.

Ahhh nature

I went to the lake this weekend and an offshore wind allowed me to partake of nature.

The wind pushed the water out, exposing sandbars and enabling the more adventurous to venture a mile off shore and only be in waist deep water. I found clams, crabs and tried to save some small fish from beaching themselves.

But a very unfortunate view of nature gave my father and I the kind of bonding experience no one should go through.

My father ran into some friends on the beach and stopped to introduce me. Upon the second introduction I received an eye full of junk.... twig and berries, pork and beans, ect.

The 40-something man was wearing short-shorts, no underwear and crossing his legs so his one-eye willy kept winking at me.

My father proceeded to talk to the group for 15 minutes as the man crossed and uncrossed his legs a la Fatal Instinct and I awkwardly looked away.

As soon as we parted company with Sharon Stone I had to ask my father if he saw the package. How could you not?

"I was hoping you didn't notice," he said.

When my mom found out she relayed a similar story about my grandfather. As if the day couldn't get worse.

*Shudder and Gag*

Crocs are a crock... of poo

I'm no fashionista and I go out of my way not to wear heals, but I just can't understand this whole Crocs thing.

Sure I've heard they're super comfortable and really clean, but any shoe that boasts being dishwasher safe is not for me.

I've also heard they're made from materials that aren't bad for the earth. Hopefully that means when everyone realizes how ugly they are and send them to the dump, they'll disintegrate into the earth quickly.

Slate wrote a very telling article about why they're popular, but the author and I still came to the same conclusion-- they're ugly as sin.

So let's destroy all Crocs around the world. If you need tips, check out ihatecrocs.com. It's absolutely brilliant.

Oh happy day!

Sometimes I think fate is too good to me. I just found out that George A. Romero (iconic zombie film-maker, for those of you who don't know) is working on a new film called the Diary of the Dead.

Please breathe regularly and remain seated. I know my brain almost exploded in happiness when I found out.

From what I understand so far is the movie starts out with some college kids in the woods making a film on mummies when all hell breaks loose and the zombies come. From there I think it's the basic zombie survival movie, although one kid keeps filming throughout the whole incident.

So who knows if it will have some of the feel of Blair Witch or the Descent, but $10 says it's going to kick serious ass.

Poop

I know I'm extremely immature, but I can't help laugh at the headline on MSN: "Keeping Up With the Wangs."

On life in the shoes of G. Jonah Jameson

It sucks. I don't think there are any other words to succinctly describe it unless you'd like me to be more eloquent and curse.

I was the last one to leave yesterday and the first here today. Someone shoot me.

I now understand why the hard-nose, cigar-smoking editor had such an attitude against Spiderman. "Who is Spider-Man? He's a criminal that's who he is! A vigilante! A public menace! What's he doing on MY front page?"

When movies attack!

A couple years ago a man got a bomb-collar put around his neck and he was forced to rob a bank. But even after he did the job, the collar exploded and he died.

Normally I would think, movie gone wrong. Someone watched Saw too many times and decided to make money off tormenting people rather than just tormenting them.

Now the FBI has unveiled that the guy with the exploding neck was in on the whole thing.

Does this mean it turns into a heist film? Perhaps Employee of the Month (the good one, not the one with Jessica frickin' Simpson).

All I know is that exploding-neck guy was definitely on the wrong side of this plot. But I guess when you wake up and you're a 46-year-old pizza delivery man maybe robbing a bank with a bomb around your neck doesn't seem like such a lousy idea.

Is it hot on this planet or is it just me?

Every morning I'm bombarded with stories on global warming on NPR -- ways people are trying to stop it, ways it's affecting nomads in Mongolia, ways it's making the lives of polar bears suck. I see stories on the internets constantly and Global Warming poster boy Al Gore is everywhere spouting his sanctimonious save the world crap.

I'd like to save the earth or keep it healthy, but my annoyance with this Global Warming "awareness" attack reached new heights with Live Earth.

I didn't tune into any of the concerts. I actually went out of my way to avoid it. The last thing I want to hear is a pop, rock or rap star lecturing on being green.

Rapper are notorious for driving smog-spewing SUVs. Most musicians own about 10 homes with an environmental footprint bigger than 100 of my own. They are constantly on the move, jetting across the country on planes that produce more pollution. They drink bottled water from Fiji and eat weird food that must travel thousands of miles to their pampered mouths.

Sure, it's nice that these stars give up some time to raise awareness on global warming, but I'd rather hear from someone who is making a difference than some hypocritical superstar who pollutes more than anyone I know. And what's the point of raising awareness about something everyone already knows about?

I think a more novel idea would be to have a bunch of people pledge to not drive for one day and then broadcast the concert over the internet. Maybe people could learn that it's not difficult to walk to your local grocery store, bar, ect. It makes more sense to teach methods that could turn into habits than hold a big concert that everyone will forget about in a week.

I need to be put down like old Yeller

Seeing lots runners out and about lately made me nostalgic for my college years when my friend Renee and I would run until we could no longer take a another step. And then we'd have to walk back to our apartments (we weren't very smart). For the last few months every time I've seen a runner happily bouncing along I thought, "I should start running again." I even bothered G. Jonah about taking a run some evening.

So this morning I decided I'd take a quick jog to the post office for my morning workout. I grabbed my mail and headed out the door. For the first few minutes I thought, "This isn't so bad. I can do this."

After about four minutes I started thinking, "My lungs are going to implode and I'm going to vomit all over myself." So much for the runners high.

As I made my way to the post office I remembered why I stopped running. My knees suck and running sucks. I sincerely enjoy the feeling five minutes after I'm done running, but the time spent running I truly hate. I think I'd rather watch White Chicks while I'm getting an enema than run.

So I must give kudos to all those who run. So here's to you summer runners: You're completely insane, but you surely have better legs than I.

It's Science

Scientists are trying to engineer a kind of herpes that kills cancer.

Wow.

The idea initially struck me as kinda dumb -- "Oh great! My cancer is cured but my love life is over," -- but I guess I'd rather have herpes than die.

From what I understand now, though, is that the herpes attack and kill cancer cells and leave the normal cells alone.

I'll be damned.

Take off Hoser

Would it be foolish to go to Winnipeg to get pizza? I just found out that some guy in Winnipeg opened a pizza shop called Porno Pizza.

Basically the pizza has a pornographic picture on the bottom of the box that you see as you eat the pizza.

And yes, I just used the words box and eat in the same sentence. Grow up.

Blogs in Space!

There's been a lot of rumors floating around recently about blogs and bloggers.

Will our cracker-loving Gerish start a blog? Will MomJumper cut his hair? Will the staff of Wogan's Heroes be banned from the internets?

I for one see all this speculation as an opportunity to gamble.

Anyone want to put some money on how long it will take The Gerish to start a blog? I'm thinking 27 days.

As for the MomJumper's hair, I'm guessing it won't see a pair of scissors until he stops thinking he looks like Thor or Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints.... So let's not clue him in yet. I'm still having fun.

Who wants to join my betting pool? Maybe we can start some kind of fantasy blogging team. I'll take Joe Blundo, or perhaps a better choice would be the big C.

Is Columbus a He or a She?

It's an odd thing when you start referring to cities as people. Such as Delaware said, "He just doesn't understand me," or Columbus said, "You suck. You have B.O. and you throw like a girl."

I guess it's worse when you know cities would insult you if they could talk.

I need a vacation.

Dead Alive Changed My Life

I used the fourth of July to celebrate my right to watch cheesy horror movies and it may become a tradition. Thanks to Blockbuster.com (no this is not a commercial) I watched Re-Animator and Dead Alive.

I'm a little ashamed to say I'd never seen Re-Animator before and have been waiting forever for the chance. It was as cool as microwaving a zombie baby, but I must admit I was much more impressed with Dead Alive.

***Warning, More Baby Violence to Follow***

I don't know how to effectively communicate how cool Dead Alive was, so I'll say this:

The main character takes a zombie baby to the park in a baby carriage and when it escapes he has to step on it, launch a swing at it's head and pound it's head on a pole. After he gets it under control he stuffs it into a bag and explains his behavior by saying "Hyperactive" to horrified on-lookers.

There is also zombie fighting with a lawn mower and a kung-fu who priest says "I kick arse for the Lord."

I'm sure my humble description does not do this horrifically funny zombie movie justice, but if you're a fan watch it. And it was directed by the guy who did The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Al Gore Goes to White Castle

Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, got pulled over while doing 110 mph. The cops then found weed and prescription drugs in the car.

And it was all in his Prius.....

Is it wrong that I find that incredibly funny?

I'm the ghost with the most

I'm going to sound old, but I don't care. I have to say it: They don't make movies like they used to. Think about it-- Indiana Jones, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, the Princess Bride, Goonies, Die Hard, Star Wars, Heathers.... I could go on and on.

Today's movies all seem like repeats and they're choked with computer generation and too much glitz. Whatever happened to the organic films with memorable scores, believable acting and original characters?

Take BeetleJuice-- Michael Keaton ruled the movie even though he was only on screen for about 15 minutes. The characters were original and mostly likable. Danny Elfman produced a score you recognize after hearing one bar. They even managed to fit a "fuck" and ball squeeze into a PG movie.

If BeatleJuice were made today it would be laden with special effects and lack all the fun of the original. I'm not saying there aren't good movies anymore, I'm just saying classics don't come along as often anymore.

And to Hollywood, please stop doing remakes of awesome movies. Johnny Depp's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't bad, but come on, how can you top the original?